24 December, 2009

23 December, 2009

Olive you, happy hour!


I went out tonight with 2 of my favorite people in the world for delicious cocktails. I'm so happy to spend time with Molly who got an amazing promotion to work at the hostel in the Marin Headlands and Jose (my manager)-- they make my heart happy and I adore them.
Happy Christmas, everyone! Life is what you make it... I know it's hard and sometimes you just don't get what you want- that part sucks. Life can really be amazing... you gotta believe it! A New Year is around the corner, and I can hardly wait.

12 December, 2009

It was a dark and stormy evening....


Hung out with Bill and Amy tonight over in a hood far far from my own... a ride on the 19 with multiple people having conversations with themselves and another talking to a dog that obviously wanted nothing to do with him.
off at 23rd and a boot shot at Kansas, B.C. (before Cameron)
hot toddies and pizza ... mmmm
good friends and Father Ted!
brilliant night.

streetheart for a dreary day

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2 pm on a rainy Saturday, hangin in my pjs... feelin a bit overwhelmed with a lot of shit. I am a bit of a worrier; something I dislike about myself. I get caught up in things that I have no control over when I should be enjoying the good stuff- a warm fuzzy robe, a delicious cup of tea, music or a good day of work.
Money. The stress of my life... I am so tried of crying over it, it makes everything else that is not so bad seem way worse. It's such a cycle for me- I have it and things are fine, but then soon enough, it is gone and the stress comes back. Credit cards- BASTARDS! I did this to myself, and I fully acknowledge my folly- but it is so hard when you feel like it will never be resolved. I'm constantly trying to catch up... it seems so impossible.
ahh the actor's life!
I would never change the decisions I have made for my profession- I believe in dreams and going for it with all your heart and soul, but it can be a challenge when work is slow.
There are loads of cool things in my life, and I'm working on taking care of this issue- alleviating the stress will surely make things better. Today I just feel really weighed down by it. The lack of fun funds keeps me from being social way too often, and this makes me really sad. Laaaaaame. Feeling guilty for having a beer is depressing!
Posting this heart is meant to be a bright spot on a dreary day- a reminder of hope in a sea of heavy feelings and doubt. Going easy on yourself is always a better choice, and a lot of us are having a hard time these days... it's just hard to see the clear blue sky when the clouds are so heavy and dark. The other day I was thinking that I need to stop letting myself get excited about things- sometimes stuff just doesn't work out for whatever reason... but beating myself up for being hopeful is just silly!
There are so many things to be thankful for and excited about- and with time (and hard work), things will work themselves out. I'm choosing this belief and I'm having some beer with friends tonight. Did ya hear that? PLURAL!

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23 November, 2009

Do it unabashedly, all of it

I've been home for almost a week, and have been struggling with getting back to this reality. I found a quote today from Charles Lamb that I won't soon forget: "Let us live for the beauty of our own reality". I gotta give it to ya Chuck, I needed the reminder.

I had an amazing adventure. Everywhere I went there were people who I connected with, whether it was a bus driver, a fellow train passenger, or a new friend to share a few pints with. All very real, and all very wonderful. It felt like a dream; it was so vivid - I felt so involved in each moment.
My last weekend in Dublin, I stayed with my friends Helen and Melanie. There was a crazy fun party for Mirso, and loads of people came. Most I had met last year, but some I had only just met. I felt a part of everyone's life, like I've been around for ages. Ireland is like this: the people are so lovely and will hold you in their hearts and not take anything for granted. The day after the party, I was telling Mel and Hels how I was feeling about going home - stupid insecurities, feeling anxious about stuff. "It's the drink" they told me. ha! Yes, perhaps it was the vodka/whiskey/buckfast/jager shots (with a dash of sprite) from the night before.... perhaps :)
Even if it was "the drink", it made me realize what I'm missing.

Connecting with others doesn't have to be so much work - it shouldn't be! I don't want to leave the country to feel this way. I gotta flip the switch. I've lived here for 4 years but don't feel the same openness... sometimes I wish we could all just let go of whatever it is and not give a shit about being so cool. Life is full of stuff to get caught up in. I just wanna be who I am, and be with others who are stoked to be who they know they are too.

I want to thank everyone and everything who made my adventure more than I ever dreamed it could be... in the hostels and on the rails, in the pub and climbing on big rocks. Fireworks in the rain, flash floods and swans stopping traffic. Brilliant Autumn colors, howling wind...fluffy clouds, rainbows and Magners or Bulmers (wherever I was, it was tasty). Last but not least, SHEEP! I love the fluffy sheep.
I always felt so embraced and open and totally myself. I was like a kid! Just living for the next moment, and learning as I go. Life is learning as you go, and not about getting it all right. Why do I struggle with such a concept?
There were a few people who I really wanted to hang out with that I didn't get to see- Saroj and Giles in Manchester, and Marty in Liverpool. Time just flew by... I longed for one more week.... I just wasn't ready for it to end. Next time.
The jet lag has dissipated and tomorrow I go back to work. Back to assisting hostelers and not being one. I loved being one! Getting in late with a good buzz on -trying to be as quiet as possible, interesting roommates (one in particular who pushed her luggage around in a baby carriage - and doesn't have a baby)- who lecture you about not wearing any fragrance (honey, get a private room, not an 8 bed dorm), and the amazing staff who I swapped stories and shared some giggles with.

I wish for everyone to experience how I felt over the past 3 weeks. I am so thankful. I will never forget it. Yes, I tend to romanticize stuff; it is true that I am unabashedly mushy and you know what else? I don't give a shit! You put out the good stuff, you will get it back. Pretty simple really.
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21 November, 2009

17 November, 2009

on time and stinky (me, not the flight)

Back in the States ... and the flight is even on time from chicago. first time for everything!

27 October, 2009

4 hours waiting is fine when you got somewhere rad to be

Chillin in terminal M9, enjoying the down time with Dorian Gray & a $4 bottle of water. Oscar Wilde & me: get ready Ireland!

the day i've been waiting for!

SFO. Headed to O'Hare & then Dublin! Long day ahead... I'll arrive real early so it'll def be Guinness for breakfast.

21 October, 2009

sweet sidewalk lovin

Why the heck am I so sappy? I love this stuff... sweet messages on a gum encrusted, poopy sidewalk. It was meant for someone special- I hope they know it.

20 October, 2009

here today, gone in a week

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I took this photograph on the beach in Lahinch when Melanie took me to Clare last October. Stayed in a B&B in Doolin; ooh I fell in love with that place. I'm headed out that way in a week, and just knowing I'll breathe in that air again so soon is helping me breathe easier now.
Planning this trip has been pretty easy and super fun... I knew where I wanted to go and who I wanted to see so it's all set. I haven't charged a thing (yet) and as broke as I am, I'm just crossing my fingers that a miracle will occur within the next week. Checks would be VERY welcome!
Something really valuable I learned last year was how important travel is for renewing your life experience. I hadn't had a vacation for 10 years! That is messed up. It is so much freedom! Being totally innocent to your surroundings is eye opening and wonderful. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and just going with the flow especially when stuff goes all wanky is a gift! I sent myself postcards along the way last year, and I plan on doing the same on this journey. It's a good reminder of how amazing I feel on my own, the confidence and calm. I love traveling alone... I can change things on the way, do what I want on my own time. I have made amazing connections with so many people - some for a moment and others for possibly a lifetime.
I'm excited for this trip - returning to Dublin and Manchester to see friends will be super rad ... and Cardiff, Bath and Cork are gonna blow my mind, no doubt.
I'm thankful I can do it... budget travel is the way to go; even if I had loads of cash, I wouldn't do it any other way.

19 October, 2009

and what a stroll it was

Out for an evening stroll... Really lovely night. The streets are clean, the air smells... good! I love the spooky clouds and the indigo sky.

17 October, 2009

at least i didn't go to the other Bob's

Drunk on Polk Street: french fries required ASAP. Just went to my co-worker Mike Foyder's birthday party in the sweetest apartment I have ever seen in SF. No joke. He has a penthouse apartment with a deck on the roof in the Mission. I seriously loved it. You can see the fog rolling in all around you and yet also admire stars over head. So much light and cool art that he got for free!!
Anyway, he had rad beers too, which was awesome because I left without mine. mmm and cupcakes made with jello! So yea, the cab came like a minute after I called it. When the heck does that happen??!!?? I left my beers in the kitchen. Oh well. He had better beers anyway.
After the party, Jose dropped me off on the corner of Sac and Polk, the street filled with revelers bordering on obnoxious. I never really go out in my hood on weekends...it always trips me out and cracks me up too. Who the heck are all these people??!!?? I had a good buzz on, and my tummy knew no borders at this point.
I decided to walk 4 blocks down to City Kebab, my new favorite place but they were CLOSED!! UGH they are supposed to be open til midnight. ohhh well, french fries it is... they were my original craving anyway. crispy and delicious from good ol Bob's Broiler. I also have to say - a better choice than walking down a shop or two for Bob's Doughnuts. They were warm and fresh too... I could smell their sweet comforty melty smell permeating in the air. They'll torture you if you don't get away fast enough. One more beer and I might not have been as strong...
French fries vs. hot fresh apple fritters. Tough call but I think I picked the lesser of two delicious evils.

09 October, 2009

Out on the water

I took the ferry to Sausalito for class tonight... sitting on the deck, the chilly breeze and fresh air were just what I needed for the weekend ahead. Fall is in the air, and things just feel a little cozier.

I wish those were giant lightning bugs

Brrrrr dark and cold morning.... Not loving the walk to work so much.

08 October, 2009

Serenity Now!!!!

Well the washer in my building is eating quarters and not doing their deal, as in washing my clothes. Ugh! Between the Blue Angels fraying my nerves & all I have coming up in the next few weeks, I believe I could be called a bit cuckoo about now. Thanks to Ariadne, that halfie Xanax soothed me a bit. The loud jets flying over the city (as I write this) really kinda make me want to jump outta my skin. For now I will sit here on Sac & Leav while my clothes twist and turn with the rhythm of my anxiety. I know for some this is an exciting weekend- for me, all I want is an escape. I'll say it again... Serenity Now!!!

Every GM should have a little helper

Meet Mr. Monk. He belongs to Jose, the GM at the hostel. He's not much help, but he keeps the seat warm and sure made me smile when I walked in the office to say Hey. I hope he sticks around awhile. I like monkeys :)

03 October, 2009

under the bridge is a whole other world

Fort Baker, right under the Golden Gate Bridge. Loads of people fishing on the pier beneath that bright,bulbous moon ... little BBQs emoting heavenly smells into the night ... a couple sitting under a blanket watching a movie on a tiny laptop. Sweet date!
It was our last stop on a night full of unexpected treasures.

when it turns, you better be ready!

Haaa we missed it and had to wait cuz i ran out to take a picture & right then it turned green. Hahaa anyway. I'm having such a fun night... Rodeo Beach is the best on a full moon... Beautiful beautiful inspiring. Good to realize & appreciate that stuff.

He smiles and lights up the night

The full moon over the Marin Headlands, taken from my poopy phone... but look at that smile! Out on that beach tonight, my shadow blending with the waves rolling in, the wind blowing by. A Budweiser in hand, I walked the beach and gazed up at the moon... made some wishes, remembering to say YES and believe in what the future has in store: experience, adventure, and a whole lotta opportunity. Being alone on a section of Rodeo Beach, the moon shining down on me and the waves crashing in, helps me believe in all that is possible. This constant is something I am thankful for. The full moon illuminates the night - and helps us see what we fail to recognize and own.
It was our beach that night; no one else was around.

the wind blew and i was stoked

Nature makes me very happy, and driving less than an hour from the city to be in such a place makes all that poop, barf and general nastiness to disappear from my brain. The sun was out, the wind was blowing, and I was feeling it all.

What's the secret code???


So. Tonight I was going to go to some Solstice Celebration for some Witch Society that my friend Ariadne is a part of. She invited me last night but it all sounded too Renaissance Fair-y to me so I declined. She told me it was at Kirby Cove though, and then I was kinda reconsidering... THEN I remembered that it is a full moon tonight, sooo I decided, "Why not?"
Now, you may perhaps be wondering, "WTF with the witchy stuff, Nicki?"
Well, I'm not a witch, nor do I have any plan to be one. Although 2 astrologers told me that I am a good witch, but I have no idea what that means. I am however open minded and thought with the full moon in such a gorgeous place, it would be a cool way to spend my evening.
I declined on the flowy wardrobe that Ariadne was offering to me, and I am glad I did... not just for the reason that I'm not flowy like that, it was super windy - but also because...
Ariadne didn't get the code to get down to Kirby Cove!!! You gotta have the secret code to get down the hill to park or you're kinda stuck.
We waited to see if some witches were gonna go down who knew the code, but none came. I guess they all came on their brooms??
oooooo bad bad bad hahahaaaa
Anyway, we decided that since we had loads of rad snacks, beers and such, we would go Witchless and hang out in the Headlands on our own.
This is the shit I love - plans change, you go with it... and who knows what awesomeness will follow?

All this and the moon too

Waiting to see if we could get into Kirby Cove isn't so bad when you have a view like this.

30 September, 2009

Just can't do it like I used to

view from at&t park after the Giants game. Super fun night, even if the hangover lasted all day. Until 8 pm!
Many beers were consumed. Ugh, but so worth it.
It was really wonderful to hang out with the rad people i work with - Hostelling International collects some pretty amazing humans. ♥

29 September, 2009

This one's for you, Erina ♥

mmmm.... Coconut Milk Tea with tapioca!

I love to chew my drinks.

The birdman who loved a mannequin

The other day he was holding and petting a seagull, today he was accompanied by a very naked gold mannequin! The TL is never boring :)
I wish you could see him better though. What a character!

20 September, 2009

mmmm... lemony

Ketel One Lemon Drop at The Cinch, me and my travels to be planned. Rad place for a gal to be on a sunny afternoon.

14 September, 2009

This door is an asshole.


Remember its face. This inanimate object was the denouement to a day layered with suck!
Basically, it was one of those days that I just should not have gotten out of bed.
I awoke before my alarm (yay!) at 5:30 (boo) on a day I usually don't work(gaaaaah).
I felt icky. I'll just lay it out on the table: PMS. Biggest jerk and bully that messes with your brain and turns mild mannered generally happy people into assholes. (Not as much as the door, but we'll get to that later.)
So yea, I'm not that stoked. The hostel is still super packed and I really had to force that smile today...I despise that - because I really love my job, but everything was annoying as hell and all I wanted was for it to be 11:30 so I could close up and come home and chill out. Busy morning, loads of people = YAY! Today = BOOOOOO.
So then I came home from work. It finally ended! It took forever!!!!!
My stomach felt like a clenched fist and all my thoughts were going downhill fast...
I decide to clean! I reached into a drawer in my bathroom and felt the tip of my finger being sliced- a shaver got me. It hurt. Real real bad. Whatever, I put a band aid on it. 5 band aids later it finally stopped bleeding! WTF??!!??
I learned my lesson... no loose shavers in the drawer. A learning experience!
UGH!!!!!!!!
After that ordeal I'm thinking, "Nicki, you gotta get outta here. You gotta get out into the sunshine, and OH! on your way out, you can take out the garbage."
So. I take out the garbage and I exit through the basement door.
YES. THAT DOOR. aka "The Asshole"
I'm almost out when I feel intense pain. A familiar sensation of closing my fingers in the Volvo station wagon door when I was 8.
"Shit."
That door ATTACKED ME!
Have you shut your fingers in a door lately? I hope not, because it hurts A LOT. Like waaay more than you remember. I ran back upstairs, nursing my 2 fingers that the cocksucker door decided it wanted a piece of.... luckily the finger that got shaved was not one of the victims ... but 2 other fingers got it bad. haha I have 2 fully functional fingers on my left hand. RAD.
I felt like a kid trying not to cry.
I iced and I cried. It was not pretty. It is still throbbing now. My poor phalanges are swollen, but at least the dents are going away!

What a day. Sometimes you just need to stay in bed and let the world do its thing... I'm looking forward to a better day tomorrow. It's gotta be better, right?

10 September, 2009

not everything is grey


“The true harvest of my life is intangible - a little star dust caught, a portion of the rainbow I have clutched."
--Henry David Thoreau

05 September, 2009

Look up!


"My father says that there is only one perfect view, that of the sky over our heads."
-George Emerson, "A Room With A View" by E.M. Forster

04 September, 2009

Anarchy Alley is not so punk rock anymore

Moo! I'm headed to Russian River Brewery... 11:30 isn't too early for birthday beers, right? Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

02 September, 2009

A little love on Post and Larkin

It's kinda glorious!

Looking up Sacramento Street... beautiful morning. I had just left my apartment and was on my way to work. It's not the most pleasant walk, but seeing so much beauty in the morning starts me out right.

27 August, 2009

and then I had to take a nap

Walking home from Union Square... It was really hot today, but the clouds were lovely.

26 August, 2009

The long way home

All Simlished out on BART from SFO. I am tired, tired, TIRED! But what a rad day : )

23 August, 2009

Please sir, I want some more

I wasn't going to have a Guinness til I got back to Dublin, but that's a few months away still...Have an hour to kill before seeing "Oliver!" at 6th Street so why not enjoy a healthy beverage before listening to loads of orphans sing about glorious food and a cranky old scoundrel forcing kids to pickpocket on the streets of London? "Oliver!" was my first community theater production with Santa Rosa Players way back in 1987... I was one of those pickpockets, burning a cork to make soot for my face before the show. The dirtier the better! Ahhh what an opening to my theatrical experiences. I'm feelin nostalgic. It's gonna be fun!

19 August, 2009

Best description of my voice EVER

A few years ago I booked a video game off of voice123 - Obscure 2. It was unlike any character I had played before : a horror game - a bunch of teenagers in a messed up situation being chased by monsters. I can still remember the director telling me that I was "being raped by claws!" Ahhhhh!!!
It was a cool session because they were in Amsterdam and I was in Sausalito. I couldn't see them, didn't know their reactions. It was really a trip! All I could hear was them laughing after I did a take. It was kind of hard to know if I was giving them what they really wanted, but it sure was memorable. Definitely one of the most intense and fun gigs I've ever had!
Anyway, I found this blog today with the most AWESOMEST description of my voice.

"The truly remarkable Nicki Rapp, disembodied voice of cuteness (veteran of games like the Sims, Psychonauts and various cartoon shows), who had us all in stitches with her contagious laughing. If you search for it, her laughter is featured prominently early on in Obscure 2: it won’t do justice to the actual experience of sharing a joke with her and then hearing her giggle, but it’s the best next thing!"
--From Jesse America's blog about directing the actors on the game.

"Disembodied voice of cuteness"

How cool is that?

17 August, 2009

In Memory of a Poet

Yesterday I went to a Memorial Service for a man who made a difference in so many people's lives with his amazing capacity for words.
Don Emblen was 90 years old when he passed away, but when I worked in the coffee shack at Pacific Market in Santa Rosa, I always thought he was a lot younger, and I wished he was my age because of what he shared with me and the whole world.
Yea, I had a little crush :)
He was a Navy man, an English teacher, a loving husband and father, and what I didn't know is that he played the accordion (so cool!) He was the Poet Laureate for Sonoma County, and the way he connected words was magical.
Don drove for Volunteer Wheels. I loved his blue Volvo! He came by at least once a week. We would chat a bit and then he would take his coffee to a distant table, smoke and write. I loved seeing him sitting down there, solitary - writing something wonderful about a moment in his mind.
One day he came and asked me, "What happens to your hair in the fog?"
He came back a few days later with this:

"Pedestrienne"


That girl with the carroty hair down her back
walking calmly up the street
may have drifted down from an autumn tree-
a maple or pistachio-
so natural she seems, so unaware;
her mass of curls, crimped tight by the cold,
flames in the foggy air and warms us all.


Through the years Don wrote me some wonderful poems. When I moved to NYC we became pen pals. I would send him little paintings and stories of what I'd experienced that day; he would send me his latest poem. I treasure these gifts, and feel so lucky to have known him.

Yesterday at the Memorial I was taken aback by my emotion. Today as I walk around my apartment and read the poems he wrote me, up on the walls, in journals... it is all flooding back.


Here are a few more:

"The Girl At The Coffee Kiosk"


Her unhesitating smile--
like stepping early
into the garden,
sparkling still with dew,
and a hummingbird
touching flower after flower,
then zooming up
for a mid-air pause
to look at the whole,
the shining, aromatic whole,
this morning in June.



"Nicki"


At first I thought I saw
a dance of butterflies--
a flock? a bunch? a gaggle? ...
no; a dance will do)--
delaying me on the road to business.
Then it was a fist of marigolds
nodding to a lilting sort of song
as fresh as rosebud scent,
a waft across my way.
It was, in fact, a smiling red-haired girl
reminding me of a garden path
I might have trod.





I feel so honored and blessed to have known him.


Don Emblen

October 5, 1918 - April 24, 2009


15 August, 2009

03 August, 2009

Magners alert!

Oh Zeki's... on the few occasions I have sat in your "pubby atmosphere" I was surrounded by dongs. On a sunny afternoon in San Francisco, I stopped by for a Guinness. "We only have Guinness in a bottle"
Not for me...
I thought I would just ask... I always get a big fat NO...
"Do you have Magners?"
"Yes, in a bottle." (!!!!!!!)
OMG. so happy!!
So close to my apartment!
It was a perfect day to sit and enjoy a chilled Magners over a bit of ice...
caught up with my journal a bit and sat by a window, watching people climb up California Street to Nob Hill.


The sun was out (rare these days) and I got to drink a Magners in public!
Nice way to start the week.

02 August, 2009