I've heard this more than once as I've walked the streets of my new neighborhood. "It's like Mayberry."
It is a different world, a throwback to how Santa Rosa felt when I was a kid. Not even that- almost like how Hitchcock showed us in "Shadow of A Doubt". Santa Rosa still has some charm, but not like it used to.
I've been here for a week and a day now, and I am in love. In fact, making out with Piedmont Avenue may not be such a bad option.
I wake up to a sunny spacious apartment; everyday convincing myself that it is not some tease, this is actually my life now. This is not a dream!
When I went back last week to paint my walls in that glorified hallway I spent the last 5 years, I realized how much better my life has the opportunity to be now...
I thought I was getting too old to have a restart, reboot, throw it all out and get a bunch of new ideas, thoughts, beliefs... I knew for sure I could not stay there a single second more.
I do value the lessons of the last 5 years- I suppose... in some ways... I guess I know now how to deal with shitty circumstances? Ack. I think you have to just deal and take what you can and try to not let it beat you down. Truth be told, this can seem an impossible feat.
This all happened so quickly- I just realized that I could not allow myself to feel so stuck anymore- I really believed that my life was kinda set and I didn't see any way to make things better. This is no way to feel at any time ever.
I can already feel the Mayberry... the sunshine, people smiling and greeting as you pass by, questions answered along the avenue, never harried or annoyed, sauntering, looking around. People are so nice here, I almost feel like I'm in Wisconsin or something! I can look up and see the beauty instead of looking down to avoid stepping in shit or questionable wet spots on the street.
I feel good here. I don't feel sad or gross like I did in San Francisco. I never felt like I was good enough; in hindsight I feel so stupid I thought that. Insecurities will kick your ass and mess with your head. Terrible. Thing is,I've always been able to mold myself into any situation, and just get used to the way things are- but in this case, it ultimately wrecked my head.
✷ ✷ ✷ ✷ ✷ ✷
My point is: it's never too late to make a new start- even if you really doubt they exist. Sunshine should never be discounted for the simple fact that it is healthy to have around, and it does feel warm and wonderful. I loved the fog, the moodiness of SF- but it wasn't good for me.
Bring on the sun. Bring on the friendly people. Bring on the possibilities. Bring on the making out!!!!
It's time to lift my head up high and see all that's available. Makes it way easier to reach for the good stuff.
Now if you'll excuse me... I'm hungry for a slice of Mayberry Pie.
27 February, 2011
08 February, 2011
a different celebration
So December 8.... you were cloudy and dark, very cold and uncertain. Emotional. blaah.
Now look at you, February 8! The sun is shining, the future is welcoming, and there is so much to look forward to.
It's amazing how things can really change. Believe me, I had no spark of even a teeny molecule of an idea that anything could be different!
Yea, it's just a fortune cookie. But sometimes you just need to hold on to something that maybe doesn't make sense or is just plain goofy.
I know I made this happen. I yearned so much for something new to wake me up, and enjoy what life can be when you open up to it. So I did it. Doing it!
As my friend Kori said in an email, "way to be the boss of your life! fuck yeah, muthafucka! that's the way to do it. i mean shit we're almost 40- if we aren't going to be the boss by now what the fuck?"
Brilliant.
I'm so happy that for my Daddy's birthday this year I am celebrating with a smile through my tears, knowing that I have so many new experiences ahead- new chances to take more chances - with the belief I can do it.
I know it's what he always wanted for me.
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