not gonna do it.

While this may sound like a negative, that "not gonna do it" actually pertains to not giving up. I have worked so hard all my life- I have never given up on my dream to be an actor, and for all the struggle and doubt, the rewards are incredibly gratifying- and ultimately, completely worth it. I have put other things aside to focus on my career and missed out on some things because of not believing in myself.
It's exhausting, and I'm over it.
At this point of my life, I know what I want. I know who I want to share my time with, and who makes me truly happy. I love my work and the people in that world. I have more dreams to fulfill, and I'm so thankful that I have that as a constant in my life. I will remain steadfast, even when my heart feels like it is breaking. Especially then. Some people are worth the struggle, especially when they don't realize how worthy they truly are.

My lovely Irish friends told me, "What is meant to be won't pass you by." I keep those words close, and I know that for me, it is imperative to keep moving forward and seeing the possibilities- not the time limits or boundaries, and that voice in my head trying to tell me it's impossible- that shit is BANNED!- this is what I have to hold on to.
I know what is real.
Life is too short to not go for what I want... but I have to believe, and it is TIME.

2008... you were kinda rad

Here I am, standing on the edge of the cliff I call 2008. About 7 months ago I wanted to jump off!
It was a year that began with hope, but quickly dissolved into devastation.
I survived my first real heartbreak, and ...shit.... this was beyond anything I could've imagined.
The painful, terrible realizations and unbearable sadness were so dramatic, I really felt like I was looking in on someone else's story - but it was all mine.
People tell you that time will heal, you'll feel better soon... blaa blaa blaa...
I never thought I would feel better, but I do.
I believe that the Universe sends you messages, and you have to open them up. I do, and they have helped me move forward. All my friends and my Mom and sister may not have known what to say, but just being there for me was pretty momentous.
For my self help, I got a trampoline. I love that thing! You cannot be bummed while jumping on a trampoline - it's just not possible.
I redecorated.
I worked. a lot.
I was Activity Coordinating.
I was also recording 2 Sims games: MySims Kingdom and The Sims 3.
Shit, it was crazy. I cried, I took people on a pub crawl.
I cried, then acted like a 6 year old who speaks some crazy language.
I cried.
... a lot.
But I was busy.
I bought a ticket.
...to Ireland & the UK!
I was feeling better...
I had hope, something to look forward to-
I saw old friends that I adore, and made so many new friends that I hold in my heart ♥ now too.
I went places I have dreamt of my whole life, and they exceeded my imagination. I found myself again; I realized my value and strength.
It brings tears to my eyes when I remember these times, and it makes me so happy that I recognize these meaningful moments to be as special as they are.
I have learned a lot. I went through so many emotions; I grew up even more. I know how it feels to have a broken heart... it sucks, and I dread it happening again ... but NOW I get it. I'm so thankful I'm capable of loving that strong, even when the pain is just as strong (and then amplified by like a gazillion).

The point is, I survived and triumphed.
All by myself.

Time does heal. It's not all
blaa
blaa
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Here's to 2009!