Another new year has begun, and along with it comes a lot of adjustments and deep thoughts about my life... the things that work and the things that need to change.
2013 was pretty amazing in a lot of ways- always ups and downs, but some really cool, unexpected adventures and beautiful moments were savored. As I journey into this new year, I'm hoping for more consistency in my life- especially (and not surprisingly) the things that make me truly happy. Isn't that what we all want?
I opened my eyes to January 1, 2014 in Santa Cruz, California.
I was cozy and warm beside a hanging fireplace and the sound of the ocean in the distance was a beautiful symphony for my ears. I was with good friends and I felt hopeful. I opened up my journal and began to write about what I want in my life this year, and to work for in the future. Living in the moment is how I have had to live ... being an artist means unpredictable income and a lot of struggle. Stress. I don't know how many times I have said this- but things have to change this year!
I came home from Santa Cruz on January 2. Walked in my door, dropped my bags and saw an envelope on the floor.
From the Landlord.
Oh. Shit.
Yes, my rent has been raised. $22. Not much you say? To me it is huge, and it snapped me out of my optimistic state real fast. After that moment, I was pretty much pessimistic about everything, and all the other things I have to take care of really overwhelmed me. Change has got to come.
These are the times I feel really alone and helpless- because when you work really hard for a lot of years, and still have to do the things you don't want to do so you can live your dream.... it can be terribly soul crushing.
BUT.
While this has all been infiltrating me and distracting me from simple tasks, like... remembering to eat, I have been reminded of the kindness of others. Now, I am an emotional person. In fact, I am too emotional and I don't really like it about myself, but that's just me and I have to deal with it. Sometimes when people are kind to me, I can't take it- I am so moved by it. I am so very thankful for the reminder that the world isn't bad all the time.
I don't like to ask for help. If I share my circumstances it embarrasses me because I feel like I should be so much further along than I am... I am a grown adult, aren't we supposed to have our shit together?
But I digress.
Kindness.
The kindness that has recently been blowing my mind is from the people in my life who innately know the way to help me not be so stressed. It could be a the tiniest thing to them, but to me it is huge.
People who listen and truly pay attention are few and far between in this smart phone using, constant information being thrown in your face world. That's the kind of presence I want to be around, and the kind I want to emulate. I am exceedingly thankful for these people in my life- the ones I know well and the ones who are acquaintances with perceptive minds and wide open hearts.
I just want 2014 to be better.
I long for consistency....
In work- as in more of it. I never know when I'll get another voice job, and that is the precarious situation I have put myself into. 15 years ago this month I got my first job... and I am thankful for every one I get- but I want more. I don't like feeling stressed about something I love so much.
In finances- Paying my bills with ease. Maybe buying myself flowers once in awhile without guilt. Oh, and actually getting paid on time would be pretty amazing...
At home- I love my apartment but I am barely in it. I am constantly house/petsitting to pay my rent- and as thankful as I am to have the work, I am paying all this rent and not enjoying my space. I hope I don't have to take care of other people's stuff as much this year, so I can focus on my own.
In mood- I let people get to me too much and when you work in customer service, that's not a good thing. I'm really bitter with the situation and myself. I can't brush off rudeness like I used to. I just want to be a Voice Actor. 2014 has got to be the year that it is the only thing I do.
Last, but not least- I want to be with the people I truly want to share my time with. Quality more than quantity has always been my rule, and when it's always quality, you want more! I live alone and work alone so much, I long for that. We ALL deserve happiness- and I know when I am happiest.
I will be focusing on more of that this year.
Consistently.
2013 was pretty amazing in a lot of ways- always ups and downs, but some really cool, unexpected adventures and beautiful moments were savored. As I journey into this new year, I'm hoping for more consistency in my life- especially (and not surprisingly) the things that make me truly happy. Isn't that what we all want?
I opened my eyes to January 1, 2014 in Santa Cruz, California.
I came home from Santa Cruz on January 2. Walked in my door, dropped my bags and saw an envelope on the floor.
From the Landlord.
Oh. Shit.
Yes, my rent has been raised. $22. Not much you say? To me it is huge, and it snapped me out of my optimistic state real fast. After that moment, I was pretty much pessimistic about everything, and all the other things I have to take care of really overwhelmed me. Change has got to come.
These are the times I feel really alone and helpless- because when you work really hard for a lot of years, and still have to do the things you don't want to do so you can live your dream.... it can be terribly soul crushing.
BUT.
While this has all been infiltrating me and distracting me from simple tasks, like... remembering to eat, I have been reminded of the kindness of others. Now, I am an emotional person. In fact, I am too emotional and I don't really like it about myself, but that's just me and I have to deal with it. Sometimes when people are kind to me, I can't take it- I am so moved by it. I am so very thankful for the reminder that the world isn't bad all the time.
I don't like to ask for help. If I share my circumstances it embarrasses me because I feel like I should be so much further along than I am... I am a grown adult, aren't we supposed to have our shit together?
But I digress.
Kindness.
The kindness that has recently been blowing my mind is from the people in my life who innately know the way to help me not be so stressed. It could be a the tiniest thing to them, but to me it is huge.
People who listen and truly pay attention are few and far between in this smart phone using, constant information being thrown in your face world. That's the kind of presence I want to be around, and the kind I want to emulate. I am exceedingly thankful for these people in my life- the ones I know well and the ones who are acquaintances with perceptive minds and wide open hearts.
I just want 2014 to be better.
I long for consistency....
In work- as in more of it. I never know when I'll get another voice job, and that is the precarious situation I have put myself into. 15 years ago this month I got my first job... and I am thankful for every one I get- but I want more. I don't like feeling stressed about something I love so much.
In finances- Paying my bills with ease. Maybe buying myself flowers once in awhile without guilt. Oh, and actually getting paid on time would be pretty amazing...
At home- I love my apartment but I am barely in it. I am constantly house/petsitting to pay my rent- and as thankful as I am to have the work, I am paying all this rent and not enjoying my space. I hope I don't have to take care of other people's stuff as much this year, so I can focus on my own.
In mood- I let people get to me too much and when you work in customer service, that's not a good thing. I'm really bitter with the situation and myself. I can't brush off rudeness like I used to. I just want to be a Voice Actor. 2014 has got to be the year that it is the only thing I do.
Last, but not least- I want to be with the people I truly want to share my time with. Quality more than quantity has always been my rule, and when it's always quality, you want more! I live alone and work alone so much, I long for that. We ALL deserve happiness- and I know when I am happiest.
I will be focusing on more of that this year.
Consistently.
3 comments:
Funny I should stumble across this post now… after all the stuff that's happened over the last couple weeks. Certainly puts things in perspective huh?
>"I am thankful for every one I get- but I want more".
Well you GOT IT, dintya baybeh?
>"I don't like feeling stressed about something I love so much."
Nicely articulated… and so damn true.
Speaking of so damn true…
>"actually getting paid on time would be pretty amazing…"
Uhhh… YEAH! Amen Sistah! :P
Thanks for so bravely sharing your feelings with the rest of us. Know that when you're going through some of the stuff you mentioned here, that a lot of us are going through the same damn thangs… so for better or worse… you are not alone m'dear.
You are my hero Nicki! :)
Love ya home girl,
-AH
Thanks Adam... yea it's crazy how things can change- the trick is to keep those things consistent! (that includes getting paid ON TIME)
I appreciate your comments and understanding... sometimes I just need to state my truth and the reality of things. You're the best and I'm so thankful we can talk about this stuff. xoxo
I'm sorry that your rent was raised
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