09 December, 2011
New video demo!!!!
Many many thanks to AJ for working so hard to make me look so good! The guy is basically incredible.
It was definitely time to get this going....
We've got Morgan, Lili, Sammun-Mak and Piki... and a lot of crazy kid Simlish. I'm pretty proud of who I've gotten to be ♥
29 October, 2011
It's time.
So next week is kind of a big deal.
I'm going down to L.A. to see what is out there for me... it is time.
oooooh L.A. Not my favorite place. If I'm honest, I'm a bit intimidated by it all, but it's time to be brave.
I went to college in Pasadena and it made me really appreciate the beauty of my sweet home in Northern California for the first time. We're in the same state, but Southern California is a world away from Northern... I missed the Redwoods, the lovely smell, clear blue skies, stars at night- it was just loads of smog and concrete, and that is not for me. Thing is, I've realized it's time for me to open up again to the possibilities of the South. That's where the work is. I want to work!
AJ is going to be sharing his rad comic, The Super Newts, and my personal favorite- The Adventures of Dorse and Doose (loads of poop jokes hehe) at a brand new comic book/multimedia exhibition at the Los Angeles Convention Center, Comikaze. I'm so excited he asked me to help him out and be in the whole scene. He has worked so hard...he's on the verge, and it's really exciting to be even a little part of it.
I worked over at EA on Wednesday, and I can't say enough how much I love recording there and how amazing it is to have such an insanely fun job. I've been a part of that world since 2003 and I feel incredibly supported, totally believed in- they really helped me out in making connections for this adventure. I am so thankful for this, it blows me away.
I'm a little nervous, a lot excited, super hopeful, and also know that I need to do this if I want to further my career. It is very exciting! I am about to confront the mountain I've always known I had to climb ... feeling a bit anxious... but at the same time I know I've just been afraid of the unknown. Silly, really. I've taken a lot of risks in my life, done some pretty courageous things that I didn't even think twice about... why is this any different?
I'm thankful to have the support to do this, and to also have some rad new experiences that will propel me to other places ... I'm ready to make my goals a reality.
So here's the scoop. Come to Comikaze next weekend, November 5 & 6- visit us at booth #94 and say Hai! Get some comics before Gudfit blows up so you can say you were there before it all got crazy! Support the arts and hang out with us for awhile. Curry Goat will wiggle his happy little tail for you- and trust me, you do not want to miss that!
I'm going down to L.A. to see what is out there for me... it is time.
oooooh L.A. Not my favorite place. If I'm honest, I'm a bit intimidated by it all, but it's time to be brave.
I went to college in Pasadena and it made me really appreciate the beauty of my sweet home in Northern California for the first time. We're in the same state, but Southern California is a world away from Northern... I missed the Redwoods, the lovely smell, clear blue skies, stars at night- it was just loads of smog and concrete, and that is not for me. Thing is, I've realized it's time for me to open up again to the possibilities of the South. That's where the work is. I want to work!
AJ is going to be sharing his rad comic, The Super Newts, and my personal favorite- The Adventures of Dorse and Doose (loads of poop jokes hehe) at a brand new comic book/multimedia exhibition at the Los Angeles Convention Center, Comikaze. I'm so excited he asked me to help him out and be in the whole scene. He has worked so hard...he's on the verge, and it's really exciting to be even a little part of it.
I worked over at EA on Wednesday, and I can't say enough how much I love recording there and how amazing it is to have such an insanely fun job. I've been a part of that world since 2003 and I feel incredibly supported, totally believed in- they really helped me out in making connections for this adventure. I am so thankful for this, it blows me away.
I'm a little nervous, a lot excited, super hopeful, and also know that I need to do this if I want to further my career. It is very exciting! I am about to confront the mountain I've always known I had to climb ... feeling a bit anxious... but at the same time I know I've just been afraid of the unknown. Silly, really. I've taken a lot of risks in my life, done some pretty courageous things that I didn't even think twice about... why is this any different?
I'm thankful to have the support to do this, and to also have some rad new experiences that will propel me to other places ... I'm ready to make my goals a reality.
So here's the scoop. Come to Comikaze next weekend, November 5 & 6- visit us at booth #94 and say Hai! Get some comics before Gudfit blows up so you can say you were there before it all got crazy! Support the arts and hang out with us for awhile. Curry Goat will wiggle his happy little tail for you- and trust me, you do not want to miss that!
14 October, 2011
The possibilities of Walking with the Dead
Almost everyday I go walking in a most amazing place, the Mountain View Cemetery.
It's very calm, beautiful, there are a gazillion trees, and you can lose yourself there. Sometimes I need a place to set my head straight, and this place helps me with that. Nature is amazing. All I hear are birds and the wind in the trees... the best soundtrack, with a perfect view above.
There is a certain part of the cemetery that my friend Shawna and I call "the zombie part"- throughout the grounds it is green and lush, really taken care of; this section is just dirt and has really, really old graves.
A few months ago I got to audition for a pretty big video game. I took a chance on a character that I felt was a long shot, but she got to say "Fuck" super crazy in the script and her bio was so intense and dramatic. This lady is messed up, and I was totally into it.
I had to try.
Amazingly, I got a callback to read again, which was an exciting sign. Problem was, I was suffering from a bout of food poisoning from some nasty oysters.
I was sick all night; had to get the audition in by 10 am.... I felt like a zombie, and that was NOT the character!
I did it, but felt like I blew it.
UGH.
That was July.
I pretty much decided I needed to give up hope... it's just hard when you want something so badly- especially when you never thought it was even possible to begin with.
At the end of August I left town and headed for Texas.
I flew into Dallas before my final super anticipation filled destination of San Antonio.
Check my phone, email about this part?!!?! WHAT??!!??
Another read, a bit more direction, when can I get it in?
My adrenaline level was already quite high at this point; I was so excited for this trip, so excited that my chance had not passed.
It's also funny that it seems like every time I'm leaving town, I get some rad opportunity- and sadly- some are missed.
But check it out: not all the time!
AJ and his brother Tony got me a place to record at the school they both attended, San Antonio College. Tony's teacher, John L. Onderdonk, aka 'Mr. O', was the man who said "Yes". He didn't have to, and I am so grateful.
It was quite a journey to find a quiet and comfortable spot to record in when it was well over 100 degrees! Those guys are amazing to have helped me so much with this, it was above and beyond.
When we got the answer that, indeed, there was a place I could record, it was brilliant. All I needed was a little space, a closet even- I was planning to just record on my phone...
but we were put in a room with mics and PRO TOOLS?!??
Mr. O!!! O M G!!!
Are you kidding me right now?
Can I tell you how much I love Texas?? It was only my second day and I was over the moon!
AJ and Tony were very patient with me, waiting down the hall, while I basically obsessed over the new beats I needed to connect with -and when I was finished, I had an amazing editor (AJ) make me sound even better.
So we got it done.
Now I could relax!
We vacationed, it was still on my mind.
I thought, "maybe I'll hear before I go back home?"
Alas, this was not the case.
Once again I decided that it just didn't work out- I probably thought too much, I was hot and tired... now for sure I blew it!!
A few weeks after I returned home I was taking my morning walk in the cemetery, just walking past the zombies.
I hear on my phone that I got an email, and at first I disregarded it, thinking it was probably something stupid...
I found out that I got the part!!
It was perfect, finding out that I booked an amazing role in a kickass game about zombies as I walked past the zombie part in the cemetery!
I'm so excited to see how it all turns out. This is a very different character for me; I've had my first session and I feel very grown up in a way that I haven't before with my voice acting. I'm so thankful for the opportunity... thankful for the support of wonderful friends and colleagues who were looking out, and wanted me to do well. I'm a lucky girl.
It was definitely worth the effort, all the sweat- and the wait.
It's very calm, beautiful, there are a gazillion trees, and you can lose yourself there. Sometimes I need a place to set my head straight, and this place helps me with that. Nature is amazing. All I hear are birds and the wind in the trees... the best soundtrack, with a perfect view above.
There is a certain part of the cemetery that my friend Shawna and I call "the zombie part"- throughout the grounds it is green and lush, really taken care of; this section is just dirt and has really, really old graves.
A few months ago I got to audition for a pretty big video game. I took a chance on a character that I felt was a long shot, but she got to say "Fuck" super crazy in the script and her bio was so intense and dramatic. This lady is messed up, and I was totally into it.
I had to try.
Amazingly, I got a callback to read again, which was an exciting sign. Problem was, I was suffering from a bout of food poisoning from some nasty oysters.
I was sick all night; had to get the audition in by 10 am.... I felt like a zombie, and that was NOT the character!
I did it, but felt like I blew it.
UGH.
That was July.
I pretty much decided I needed to give up hope... it's just hard when you want something so badly- especially when you never thought it was even possible to begin with.
At the end of August I left town and headed for Texas.
I flew into Dallas before my final super anticipation filled destination of San Antonio.
Check my phone, email about this part?!!?! WHAT??!!??
Another read, a bit more direction, when can I get it in?
My adrenaline level was already quite high at this point; I was so excited for this trip, so excited that my chance had not passed.
It's also funny that it seems like every time I'm leaving town, I get some rad opportunity- and sadly- some are missed.
But check it out: not all the time!
AJ and his brother Tony got me a place to record at the school they both attended, San Antonio College. Tony's teacher, John L. Onderdonk, aka 'Mr. O', was the man who said "Yes". He didn't have to, and I am so grateful.
It was quite a journey to find a quiet and comfortable spot to record in when it was well over 100 degrees! Those guys are amazing to have helped me so much with this, it was above and beyond.
When we got the answer that, indeed, there was a place I could record, it was brilliant. All I needed was a little space, a closet even- I was planning to just record on my phone...
but we were put in a room with mics and PRO TOOLS?!??
Mr. O!!! O M G!!!
Are you kidding me right now?
Can I tell you how much I love Texas?? It was only my second day and I was over the moon!
AJ and Tony were very patient with me, waiting down the hall, while I basically obsessed over the new beats I needed to connect with -and when I was finished, I had an amazing editor (AJ) make me sound even better.
So we got it done.
Now I could relax!
We vacationed, it was still on my mind.
I thought, "maybe I'll hear before I go back home?"
Alas, this was not the case.
Once again I decided that it just didn't work out- I probably thought too much, I was hot and tired... now for sure I blew it!!
A few weeks after I returned home I was taking my morning walk in the cemetery, just walking past the zombies.
I hear on my phone that I got an email, and at first I disregarded it, thinking it was probably something stupid...
I found out that I got the part!!
It was perfect, finding out that I booked an amazing role in a kickass game about zombies as I walked past the zombie part in the cemetery!
I'm so excited to see how it all turns out. This is a very different character for me; I've had my first session and I feel very grown up in a way that I haven't before with my voice acting. I'm so thankful for the opportunity... thankful for the support of wonderful friends and colleagues who were looking out, and wanted me to do well. I'm a lucky girl.
It was definitely worth the effort, all the sweat- and the wait.
08 October, 2011
It's one of those nights
because of me
you gazed at the moon.
I've come to see
if this is true."
-Izumi Shikibu
(10th-11th century)
18 September, 2011
A favorite poem from the past
The More Loving One
by W. H. Auden
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little more time.
by W. H. Auden
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little more time.
17 September, 2011
incredible moments that lasted for days
Travel is an important part of my life, in fact, it helps me exist on this planet. If I didn't know there was something bigger out there, something more to open my eyes, it would be a tragedy. Life would be pretty dang boring if we didn't have all the amazing cultural differences to keep us on our toes.
When I travel, it's usually on my own. I mix it up with meeting friends and of course making new ones on the way, which all equals to a lot of precious memories- but this time was different, and I was not disappointed.
About a week ago I returned from a place that I really never thought I would go: Texas. I wasn't adverse to it; I just never really had it on my radar. I thought to myself, "Hmmm...Texas is the Australia of America..."- I've longed to go there since i became obsessed with koalas in 3rd grade -alas, heading Down Under is not in my Actor-y budget at this time- so I embraced this opportunity.
The really wonderful part about this journey was that I was going to be living it with someone really special to me- seeing his world through my eyes was something I wanted to experience. You know when you talk to someone on the phone all the time, they tell you stuff about where they live, what things are like, where they hang out... I love it when I can picture and understand where they come from. It makes me feel more connected, and I can better understand the similarities and differences in our lives.
Travel! Such a gift.
I arrived in San Antonio in 108 degree heat. I was escorted to the giant boots. During our 10 days together we saw copious (i love that word) amounts of animals: buffalo, buzzards, baby frogs, a baby salamander that I held in my hand(!!!), Emu, Roadrunners, hella lizards, some rad dogs, a whole lotta Nutrias, many varieties of ducks and geese, loads of fish, a snake, oooh there was a hummingbird super close to my face.... and my FAVORITE, bats. (did i miss anything, AJ?)
I celebrated my birthday on this adventure, and it couldn't have been a more wonderful time of feeling alive and excited for the future... I needed this. I woke up. My birthday was amazing. There was much stargazing, unlimited hilarity in storytelling and just straight up delight in where I was and who I was with. I was in the moment, and it felt so good. We laid on the ground, watched the bats flutter overhead, oooing and ahhing when they got real close, mixing with the stars as the glowing moon watched over us.
This was the Texas I knew was out there, this was what I wanted to experience- to me, it was perfect. Best birthday gift a girl could ask for: limitless stars, ridiculous amounts of laughter, and wonderful companionship. I can be a bit of a loner; I find a lot of contentment in my own company... but sharing this adventure was the best of my life so far- it was so easy, there were so many magic moments- and also a lot of honesty and heartfelt conversation. Finding a brilliant travel partner and friend is like striking gold. Actually, it's priceless.
I luxuriated in 10 days of bliss, 10 days of getting to know someone and the world he knows.... 10 days where I felt so happy and alive. I wouldn't have traded that time for anything.... and I can't wait til we do it again. There's a lot of Texas to see!
Sometimes you have to take a chance. A chance on an adventure, a chance on a person, a chance on some crazy thing to put in your tummy! People come into our lives at certain times for very special reasons.... I listen close to the Universe, and I pay attention to this stuff. Some things cannot be denied, no matter how inconvenient they seem, or how much your brain tries to mess with you. I was so gung-ho on just traveling abroad, but adventuring in my own country is a huge eye opener as well- and in the end, if you're with someone who brightens your world, does it really matter where you are?
When I travel, it's usually on my own. I mix it up with meeting friends and of course making new ones on the way, which all equals to a lot of precious memories- but this time was different, and I was not disappointed.
About a week ago I returned from a place that I really never thought I would go: Texas. I wasn't adverse to it; I just never really had it on my radar. I thought to myself, "Hmmm...Texas is the Australia of America..."- I've longed to go there since i became obsessed with koalas in 3rd grade -alas, heading Down Under is not in my Actor-y budget at this time- so I embraced this opportunity.
The really wonderful part about this journey was that I was going to be living it with someone really special to me- seeing his world through my eyes was something I wanted to experience. You know when you talk to someone on the phone all the time, they tell you stuff about where they live, what things are like, where they hang out... I love it when I can picture and understand where they come from. It makes me feel more connected, and I can better understand the similarities and differences in our lives.
Travel! Such a gift.
I arrived in San Antonio in 108 degree heat. I was escorted to the giant boots. During our 10 days together we saw copious (i love that word) amounts of animals: buffalo, buzzards, baby frogs, a baby salamander that I held in my hand(!!!), Emu, Roadrunners, hella lizards, some rad dogs, a whole lotta Nutrias, many varieties of ducks and geese, loads of fish, a snake, oooh there was a hummingbird super close to my face.... and my FAVORITE, bats. (did i miss anything, AJ?)
I celebrated my birthday on this adventure, and it couldn't have been a more wonderful time of feeling alive and excited for the future... I needed this. I woke up. My birthday was amazing. There was much stargazing, unlimited hilarity in storytelling and just straight up delight in where I was and who I was with. I was in the moment, and it felt so good. We laid on the ground, watched the bats flutter overhead, oooing and ahhing when they got real close, mixing with the stars as the glowing moon watched over us.
This was the Texas I knew was out there, this was what I wanted to experience- to me, it was perfect. Best birthday gift a girl could ask for: limitless stars, ridiculous amounts of laughter, and wonderful companionship. I can be a bit of a loner; I find a lot of contentment in my own company... but sharing this adventure was the best of my life so far- it was so easy, there were so many magic moments- and also a lot of honesty and heartfelt conversation. Finding a brilliant travel partner and friend is like striking gold. Actually, it's priceless.
I luxuriated in 10 days of bliss, 10 days of getting to know someone and the world he knows.... 10 days where I felt so happy and alive. I wouldn't have traded that time for anything.... and I can't wait til we do it again. There's a lot of Texas to see!
Sometimes you have to take a chance. A chance on an adventure, a chance on a person, a chance on some crazy thing to put in your tummy! People come into our lives at certain times for very special reasons.... I listen close to the Universe, and I pay attention to this stuff. Some things cannot be denied, no matter how inconvenient they seem, or how much your brain tries to mess with you. I was so gung-ho on just traveling abroad, but adventuring in my own country is a huge eye opener as well- and in the end, if you're with someone who brightens your world, does it really matter where you are?
16 June, 2011
Summer is a lot less Hostel this year
I was thinking today that last Summer, and for the previous 4, I was super busy working at Hostelling International- San Francisco, feeding travelers from all over and just really enjoying chatting people up and learning about the world through their eyes.
When I think about all the friendships I made there- it makes me miss the whole scene a lot. Truth be told, I met people through working there and through my own hostelling adventures who really changed my life, and continue to today.
When you're in the midst of a Summer Season at a hostel- it can really wreck your head- I'm not gonna lie- it is intense. Along with the 92% of awesome, super rad and open-minded people, there's that 8% that can KILL YOU! I am not even kidding. I smelled some stuff YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE and saw some ridiculous behavior that would just shock you by the commitment level of sheer assholeness! Some days I would leave work thinking, "omg reeeally? wtf was THAT all about?"
I spent the majority of my Hostel years at HI-City Center, which, in my opinion, is the best of the 3 San Francisco city hostels (they're all good!)... but let's just say it is located in a most adventurous San Francisco neighborhood, The Tenderloin. You may have heard of it... I used to talk about it a lot! It's a rough neighborhood to be sure. You will see and smell things that may make you want to barf... but now when I look back, my memories within the walls of the hostel are what make me feel like it really wasn't so bad after all. I know a lot of people who feel the same way.
While the memories are flowing, I wanted to share my love and praise for hostelling, and for all the knowledge and joy it brought into my life. In my opinion it is the BEST- and smartest way to travel... you get an affordable, clean, safe place to lay your head at night, a rad free or really cheap breakfast, and the possibility of new friendships that will enrich your life in a million ways. I usually travel by myself, so having a familiar place with that special energy is brilliant. It is a place of magic if you let it be! What else do you need really?
When I think about all the friendships I made there- it makes me miss the whole scene a lot. Truth be told, I met people through working there and through my own hostelling adventures who really changed my life, and continue to today.
When you're in the midst of a Summer Season at a hostel- it can really wreck your head- I'm not gonna lie- it is intense. Along with the 92% of awesome, super rad and open-minded people, there's that 8% that can KILL YOU! I am not even kidding. I smelled some stuff YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE and saw some ridiculous behavior that would just shock you by the commitment level of sheer assholeness! Some days I would leave work thinking, "omg reeeally? wtf was THAT all about?"
I spent the majority of my Hostel years at HI-City Center, which, in my opinion, is the best of the 3 San Francisco city hostels (they're all good!)... but let's just say it is located in a most adventurous San Francisco neighborhood, The Tenderloin. You may have heard of it... I used to talk about it a lot! It's a rough neighborhood to be sure. You will see and smell things that may make you want to barf... but now when I look back, my memories within the walls of the hostel are what make me feel like it really wasn't so bad after all. I know a lot of people who feel the same way.
While the memories are flowing, I wanted to share my love and praise for hostelling, and for all the knowledge and joy it brought into my life. In my opinion it is the BEST- and smartest way to travel... you get an affordable, clean, safe place to lay your head at night, a rad free or really cheap breakfast, and the possibility of new friendships that will enrich your life in a million ways. I usually travel by myself, so having a familiar place with that special energy is brilliant. It is a place of magic if you let it be! What else do you need really?
07 June, 2011
★ ★ It's in the stars for Piki and Poko ★ ★ ...♥
Eleven years ago a brilliant world was introduced to the interwebs: "Piki and Poko: Adventures in Starland". A lush pastelly land with hot-blooded volcanoes and effeminate trees, malignant candy and evil marshmallow bunnies! I had the chance to play a character that I connected with and love- and got to be almost every week. What a blessing for an actor! "Piki Matsumoto" is the girl. We have a lot in common; I understand her really well. She wears waaay more pink than me though- and I just can't believe how high my voice is! hehe
All of us who were a part of this show love it and believe in it so much- even years later, I still have hopes that we can continue the story. In the meantime, I am going to do my best to bring the Star Sisters and all of their friends- and foes- back to share - and hope you'll enjoy their adventures as well. The writers, animators, directors...all the rad dogs that used to hang out at Mondo Media back in the real awesome days, contributed so much magic. I loved going there! I had just begun working as a Voice Actor and I can't imagine a more amazing time or place to start my journey. I am so proud to be a part of a project that takes risks and embraces all the color, beauty and beautiful differences we can share when we open up.
To get things going, here are the first 2 episodes of the series.
I hope you love them too!
If you're on facebook, become a fan of Piki and Poko! https://www.facebook.com/pages/Piki-Poko-Adventures-in-StarLand/219234604767679
All of us who were a part of this show love it and believe in it so much- even years later, I still have hopes that we can continue the story. In the meantime, I am going to do my best to bring the Star Sisters and all of their friends- and foes- back to share - and hope you'll enjoy their adventures as well. The writers, animators, directors...all the rad dogs that used to hang out at Mondo Media back in the real awesome days, contributed so much magic. I loved going there! I had just begun working as a Voice Actor and I can't imagine a more amazing time or place to start my journey. I am so proud to be a part of a project that takes risks and embraces all the color, beauty and beautiful differences we can share when we open up.
To get things going, here are the first 2 episodes of the series.
I hope you love them too!
If you're on facebook, become a fan of Piki and Poko! https://www.facebook.com/pages/Piki-Poko-Adventures-in-StarLand/219234604767679
19 May, 2011
on the verge of Springing
Oooooh something is brewing.
Some sort of momentous event... perhaps something that has been planted in my stubborn brain. A bulb staying warm and cozy below until the sun shines on it just enough to encourage an entrance above ground.
Oh, to finally blossom!
I feel this anticipation with a strange sort of certainty that it's not bad. It's a good feeling.
Maybe it was the testicles I ate yesterday?
A calm anticipation? What is that all about?
I never thought I was capable of any sort of calmness when the butterflies start fluttering...
I'm back in a job that I did in my 20's. It's basically the same cafe with a different name. I've always loved working in coffee shops; I enjoy the culture and most of the people who cross paths and connect in interesting ways.
The problem?
I am feeling my age. I am having flashbacks of all the stuff that sucks- and I smell like coffee ALL THE TIME.
I never feel my age! With my voice acting I'm usually playing young, high energy characters and I thrive on it. I think the plain truth is that I am done with this- and I knew I was, but I went back to it- a gal's gotta have a damn day job.
I long for the day when I'm just acting- to be an Artist and only an Artist... what a pleasure.
I'm feeling frustrated- but at the same time, I feel no ties to this place. I normally get way too into things, but with this job, I'm doing what I need to do and that's that. I am looking around for something different, something where I can make more $$ and not get up at 4:30.
I'm ready for the big leap forward, to pounce like a ridiculously cute Red Panda on the things that I want to hold on to.
Even with some uncertainty and frustration, I feel like my life is finally waiting for me to hold on and get what I really want from it. It's not like I'm getting a second chance. No more of this silly trepidation! It's all about grabbing it by the bison balls and being brave enough to take a bite.
Sensing that anticipation, feeling on the verge is something I have felt before- and sometimes I just have to poop- but I'm gonna run with the feeling that things may just come together this time. Pouncing, springing and remembering that in this new world, the possibilities are all right there.
Some sort of momentous event... perhaps something that has been planted in my stubborn brain. A bulb staying warm and cozy below until the sun shines on it just enough to encourage an entrance above ground.
Oh, to finally blossom!
I feel this anticipation with a strange sort of certainty that it's not bad. It's a good feeling.
Maybe it was the testicles I ate yesterday?
A calm anticipation? What is that all about?
I never thought I was capable of any sort of calmness when the butterflies start fluttering...
I'm back in a job that I did in my 20's. It's basically the same cafe with a different name. I've always loved working in coffee shops; I enjoy the culture and most of the people who cross paths and connect in interesting ways.
The problem?
I am feeling my age. I am having flashbacks of all the stuff that sucks- and I smell like coffee ALL THE TIME.
I never feel my age! With my voice acting I'm usually playing young, high energy characters and I thrive on it. I think the plain truth is that I am done with this- and I knew I was, but I went back to it- a gal's gotta have a damn day job.
I long for the day when I'm just acting- to be an Artist and only an Artist... what a pleasure.
I'm feeling frustrated- but at the same time, I feel no ties to this place. I normally get way too into things, but with this job, I'm doing what I need to do and that's that. I am looking around for something different, something where I can make more $$ and not get up at 4:30.
I'm ready for the big leap forward, to pounce like a ridiculously cute Red Panda on the things that I want to hold on to.
Even with some uncertainty and frustration, I feel like my life is finally waiting for me to hold on and get what I really want from it. It's not like I'm getting a second chance. No more of this silly trepidation! It's all about grabbing it by the bison balls and being brave enough to take a bite.
Sensing that anticipation, feeling on the verge is something I have felt before- and sometimes I just have to poop- but I'm gonna run with the feeling that things may just come together this time. Pouncing, springing and remembering that in this new world, the possibilities are all right there.
30 April, 2011
Ladybug hunt!
I slept til about 8, drank my tea, hung out in a leisurely style; excited that this Saturday was a day filled with rad friends coming to see me.
How lovely and sweet is that?
First it was Jo and Pat. Jo is one of my best friends and she also makes my hair look great! Pat is her rad dude and while he has no hair on his head, he's still just as awesome because he has an amazing beard.
We hung out, then really just made it next door for beers and snacks. Jo and Pat are my Appetizer friends, so I waited to try the wings at Cato's til they came to hang. Spicy and deeelicious!
The next visitors who arrived were Randy and his little doggie "Benson". oooh I love that dog. I really love Randy. We just have a lot of fun all the time, and he got me into WonderCon, something that started a lovely chain of events in my life at this moment. ahhhh
*sigh*
We just talked about all kinds of stuff and then decided to cruise out to check the Comic Book store on the Avenue. We both gained some rad shit on sale, and I realized how cool Comic Book shops are! He said it was one of the coolest he has been to. It's cuz my neighborhood kicks ass :)
Randy soon departed, but moments later I received a text:
"So i hid six ladybugs around your apartment.... see if u can find them all"
BWAAAAAH!!!
It may as well have been Christmas morning when I was 8.
I started the search immediately.... I thought through where Randy was in my place- because now it's big enough for this sort of caper!!!
The first couple were pretty easy- they were chillin in the kitchen... then I recalled that he went into my recording booth (closet) and I found another in there on the music stand- and then there were a few in the bathroom... but that last one was tricky. I checked the pizza closet, but no bugs.
I sat on my couch and reflected.
"hmmmm."
I looked to my right, I looked to my left.... and there it was, on top of the intercom phone!
SUCCESS!!!!!
I was giggling like I got a Snoopy Snow Cone Machine!!!
This is the kind of stuff we remember.
It's Saturday night, I feel like a kid again. I'm so happy I'm in a place where I can celebrate that feeling. It's sad that we lose that enthusiasm... I love Randy for sharing his with me. ♥
26 April, 2011
14 April, 2011
“Our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks.”
I'm so glad life is back to being surprising again.
Over the past few months so much as changed, and I've learned to love the unexpected gifts that have crossed my path.
It was the kind of thing where I had to make a choice: do I stay where I am and not give myself a chance- or do I say, "Screw it" and start living?
It's an easy enough answer- if you have the right resources.... I was just lucky I had what I needed to grow.
Some pretty rad things have been happening lately; things that I would never even hope to expect, that I just don't want to take for granted- or at the same time, doubt that they are really happening. Some things seem too good to be true.
I've always been a dreamer, an unabashed romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve- and really, aren't you glad you know what's up with me? I'm not a tricker.
I'm pretty stoked on my emotions. (I can't even believe I'm saying that)
Finally!
I mean it sucks feeling bad all the time. Who wants that?
I have hidden myself away for a quite awhile; I gave the power of how I was feeling to people who didn't deserve it. I think it's a really good thing when you realize what has happened and how you can fix it... if someone has broken your heart, or just really been a total asshole to you, it's hard to not let it get to ya and wreck your head.
I'm not gonna lie, it has taken awhile...
but letting go of that bullshit has left me with an open space for good stuff to fill up that now willing vacancy.
Feeling hopeful used to scare me. It still feels risky sometimes.
I used to feel that if something marvelous happened, it meant oooh jeeeze, what's gonna happen now?? An UGH moment.
I'm over that style. That style is lame and can suck it.
I intend to embrace a new style of believing. Changing your brainwaves is tricky, but some things scream at you until you realize it! This is the kind of thing you just have to leap in and ride the waves.
I'm paying attention to signs, and some of them are just undeniable.
Samuel Johnson has got it right: the unexpected can deliver the most beautiful joys in your life- it's just being open to them. From here on, that's the style I'm gonna be. It's not expensive, and it feels really gud.
Over the past few months so much as changed, and I've learned to love the unexpected gifts that have crossed my path.
It was the kind of thing where I had to make a choice: do I stay where I am and not give myself a chance- or do I say, "Screw it" and start living?
It's an easy enough answer- if you have the right resources.... I was just lucky I had what I needed to grow.
Some pretty rad things have been happening lately; things that I would never even hope to expect, that I just don't want to take for granted- or at the same time, doubt that they are really happening. Some things seem too good to be true.
I've always been a dreamer, an unabashed romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve- and really, aren't you glad you know what's up with me? I'm not a tricker.
I'm pretty stoked on my emotions. (I can't even believe I'm saying that)
Finally!
I mean it sucks feeling bad all the time. Who wants that?
I have hidden myself away for a quite awhile; I gave the power of how I was feeling to people who didn't deserve it. I think it's a really good thing when you realize what has happened and how you can fix it... if someone has broken your heart, or just really been a total asshole to you, it's hard to not let it get to ya and wreck your head.
I'm not gonna lie, it has taken awhile...
but letting go of that bullshit has left me with an open space for good stuff to fill up that now willing vacancy.
Feeling hopeful used to scare me. It still feels risky sometimes.
I used to feel that if something marvelous happened, it meant oooh jeeeze, what's gonna happen now?? An UGH moment.
I'm over that style. That style is lame and can suck it.
I intend to embrace a new style of believing. Changing your brainwaves is tricky, but some things scream at you until you realize it! This is the kind of thing you just have to leap in and ride the waves.
I'm paying attention to signs, and some of them are just undeniable.
Samuel Johnson has got it right: the unexpected can deliver the most beautiful joys in your life- it's just being open to them. From here on, that's the style I'm gonna be. It's not expensive, and it feels really gud.
17 March, 2011
09 March, 2011
a laundromat.
27 February, 2011
feeling the "Mayberry"
I've heard this more than once as I've walked the streets of my new neighborhood. "It's like Mayberry."
It is a different world, a throwback to how Santa Rosa felt when I was a kid. Not even that- almost like how Hitchcock showed us in "Shadow of A Doubt". Santa Rosa still has some charm, but not like it used to.
I've been here for a week and a day now, and I am in love. In fact, making out with Piedmont Avenue may not be such a bad option.
I wake up to a sunny spacious apartment; everyday convincing myself that it is not some tease, this is actually my life now. This is not a dream!
When I went back last week to paint my walls in that glorified hallway I spent the last 5 years, I realized how much better my life has the opportunity to be now...
I thought I was getting too old to have a restart, reboot, throw it all out and get a bunch of new ideas, thoughts, beliefs... I knew for sure I could not stay there a single second more.
I do value the lessons of the last 5 years- I suppose... in some ways... I guess I know now how to deal with shitty circumstances? Ack. I think you have to just deal and take what you can and try to not let it beat you down. Truth be told, this can seem an impossible feat.
This all happened so quickly- I just realized that I could not allow myself to feel so stuck anymore- I really believed that my life was kinda set and I didn't see any way to make things better. This is no way to feel at any time ever.
I can already feel the Mayberry... the sunshine, people smiling and greeting as you pass by, questions answered along the avenue, never harried or annoyed, sauntering, looking around. People are so nice here, I almost feel like I'm in Wisconsin or something! I can look up and see the beauty instead of looking down to avoid stepping in shit or questionable wet spots on the street.
I feel good here. I don't feel sad or gross like I did in San Francisco. I never felt like I was good enough; in hindsight I feel so stupid I thought that. Insecurities will kick your ass and mess with your head. Terrible. Thing is,I've always been able to mold myself into any situation, and just get used to the way things are- but in this case, it ultimately wrecked my head.
✷ ✷ ✷ ✷ ✷ ✷
My point is: it's never too late to make a new start- even if you really doubt they exist. Sunshine should never be discounted for the simple fact that it is healthy to have around, and it does feel warm and wonderful. I loved the fog, the moodiness of SF- but it wasn't good for me.
Bring on the sun. Bring on the friendly people. Bring on the possibilities. Bring on the making out!!!!
It's time to lift my head up high and see all that's available. Makes it way easier to reach for the good stuff.
Now if you'll excuse me... I'm hungry for a slice of Mayberry Pie.
It is a different world, a throwback to how Santa Rosa felt when I was a kid. Not even that- almost like how Hitchcock showed us in "Shadow of A Doubt". Santa Rosa still has some charm, but not like it used to.
I've been here for a week and a day now, and I am in love. In fact, making out with Piedmont Avenue may not be such a bad option.
I wake up to a sunny spacious apartment; everyday convincing myself that it is not some tease, this is actually my life now. This is not a dream!
When I went back last week to paint my walls in that glorified hallway I spent the last 5 years, I realized how much better my life has the opportunity to be now...
I thought I was getting too old to have a restart, reboot, throw it all out and get a bunch of new ideas, thoughts, beliefs... I knew for sure I could not stay there a single second more.
I do value the lessons of the last 5 years- I suppose... in some ways... I guess I know now how to deal with shitty circumstances? Ack. I think you have to just deal and take what you can and try to not let it beat you down. Truth be told, this can seem an impossible feat.
This all happened so quickly- I just realized that I could not allow myself to feel so stuck anymore- I really believed that my life was kinda set and I didn't see any way to make things better. This is no way to feel at any time ever.
I can already feel the Mayberry... the sunshine, people smiling and greeting as you pass by, questions answered along the avenue, never harried or annoyed, sauntering, looking around. People are so nice here, I almost feel like I'm in Wisconsin or something! I can look up and see the beauty instead of looking down to avoid stepping in shit or questionable wet spots on the street.
I feel good here. I don't feel sad or gross like I did in San Francisco. I never felt like I was good enough; in hindsight I feel so stupid I thought that. Insecurities will kick your ass and mess with your head. Terrible. Thing is,I've always been able to mold myself into any situation, and just get used to the way things are- but in this case, it ultimately wrecked my head.
✷ ✷ ✷ ✷ ✷ ✷
My point is: it's never too late to make a new start- even if you really doubt they exist. Sunshine should never be discounted for the simple fact that it is healthy to have around, and it does feel warm and wonderful. I loved the fog, the moodiness of SF- but it wasn't good for me.
Bring on the sun. Bring on the friendly people. Bring on the possibilities. Bring on the making out!!!!
It's time to lift my head up high and see all that's available. Makes it way easier to reach for the good stuff.
Now if you'll excuse me... I'm hungry for a slice of Mayberry Pie.
08 February, 2011
a different celebration
So December 8.... you were cloudy and dark, very cold and uncertain. Emotional. blaah.
Now look at you, February 8! The sun is shining, the future is welcoming, and there is so much to look forward to.
It's amazing how things can really change. Believe me, I had no spark of even a teeny molecule of an idea that anything could be different!
Yea, it's just a fortune cookie. But sometimes you just need to hold on to something that maybe doesn't make sense or is just plain goofy.
I know I made this happen. I yearned so much for something new to wake me up, and enjoy what life can be when you open up to it. So I did it. Doing it!
As my friend Kori said in an email, "way to be the boss of your life! fuck yeah, muthafucka! that's the way to do it. i mean shit we're almost 40- if we aren't going to be the boss by now what the fuck?"
Brilliant.
I'm so happy that for my Daddy's birthday this year I am celebrating with a smile through my tears, knowing that I have so many new experiences ahead- new chances to take more chances - with the belief I can do it.
I know it's what he always wanted for me.
01 January, 2011
Let the Light Back In, Chapter 1.1.11
Those who know me, know that I was not a fan of 2010, as it clearly didn't have much love for me either.
It kicked my ass and taunted me and made me cry. A lot. Pathetic, I know... but enough is enough!
Today is January 1, 2011.
1.1.11.
All those 1's mean 1 thing to me... that it's all beginning again, and we don't have to let the past interfere with how we want to improve our future.
My late 30's have been really hard. All that "Adult Stuff" that comes as you grow older decided to hit me, 1 tough thing after another. "Lessons". UGHHHHHHH!!!
The thing that I'm proud of most & can feel most confident about- but can also challenge me with so much doubt, is my work. Acting.
UGH! It's so lame.
Sometimes I worry that my time has run out, that I don't know what I'm doing. Is my career over??!!??!!?
THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!!!
I know I'm not the only 1 who fears these things- we all go there at some point, I suppose...
The last few days of 2010 were spent in my head. Not a nice holiday...it can be a rough place. I came to these conclusions: I'm NOT going to allow myself to feel defeated any longer. I cannot even let myself think for a single second that I'm shit at something that I've loved doing since I was 13, and worked so hard to do as a career.
I've been really trying to take steps since the end of Summer to make my life better. It was time; I couldn't deal anymore.
Leaving the hostel was hard, but not going to the stinky, crazy Tenderloin has improved my outlook on the world. The bummer part- I miss the hostel and most of its inhabitants, but I had to change the situation. While the view has improved, I really believe I need to make a bigger change. My next goal is to move outta this place; hopefully to a safe and sunny spot in the East Bay where I can have a dog.
My apartment in the PolkSac, while totally cute and cozy, is very dark. Like no sun. No plants can grow. So... it can't be good for me either.
This makes me bummed.
It is also of popular opinion- by certain people in my life, that this lack of light leaves me depressed, which... yea, I mean... I can see that.
My lovely Mommy bought me a HappyLight. You have it on for at least 2 hours everyday and it is supposed to help with being bummed. I think it was a little bit of a joke, but it never hurts to try to remedy the situation...
I give you, "2011":
Don't I look happier?
hahaa
The point of all this jabber is: Let's not be sad. Let's really try to not doubt our abilities, and let's believe that we are capable of making things better in our lives. Changing behavior is the hardest thing to do- and I have made a practice of being such a little bitch to myself... but taking care of #1 and knocking out the jerky thoughts is so important. Just punch 'em out! ASSHOLES!!!!
:)
2011 will be my year of kindness. Not only to the people and world around me, but to myself too.
Happy 2011!
It kicked my ass and taunted me and made me cry. A lot. Pathetic, I know... but enough is enough!
Today is January 1, 2011.
1.1.11.
All those 1's mean 1 thing to me... that it's all beginning again, and we don't have to let the past interfere with how we want to improve our future.
My late 30's have been really hard. All that "Adult Stuff" that comes as you grow older decided to hit me, 1 tough thing after another. "Lessons". UGHHHHHHH!!!
The thing that I'm proud of most & can feel most confident about- but can also challenge me with so much doubt, is my work. Acting.
UGH! It's so lame.
Sometimes I worry that my time has run out, that I don't know what I'm doing. Is my career over??!!??!!?
THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!!!
I know I'm not the only 1 who fears these things- we all go there at some point, I suppose...
The last few days of 2010 were spent in my head. Not a nice holiday...it can be a rough place. I came to these conclusions: I'm NOT going to allow myself to feel defeated any longer. I cannot even let myself think for a single second that I'm shit at something that I've loved doing since I was 13, and worked so hard to do as a career.
I've been really trying to take steps since the end of Summer to make my life better. It was time; I couldn't deal anymore.
Leaving the hostel was hard, but not going to the stinky, crazy Tenderloin has improved my outlook on the world. The bummer part- I miss the hostel and most of its inhabitants, but I had to change the situation. While the view has improved, I really believe I need to make a bigger change. My next goal is to move outta this place; hopefully to a safe and sunny spot in the East Bay where I can have a dog.
My apartment in the PolkSac, while totally cute and cozy, is very dark. Like no sun. No plants can grow. So... it can't be good for me either.
This makes me bummed.
It is also of popular opinion- by certain people in my life, that this lack of light leaves me depressed, which... yea, I mean... I can see that.
My lovely Mommy bought me a HappyLight. You have it on for at least 2 hours everyday and it is supposed to help with being bummed. I think it was a little bit of a joke, but it never hurts to try to remedy the situation...
I give you, "2011":
Don't I look happier?
hahaa
The point of all this jabber is: Let's not be sad. Let's really try to not doubt our abilities, and let's believe that we are capable of making things better in our lives. Changing behavior is the hardest thing to do- and I have made a practice of being such a little bitch to myself... but taking care of #1 and knocking out the jerky thoughts is so important. Just punch 'em out! ASSHOLES!!!!
:)
2011 will be my year of kindness. Not only to the people and world around me, but to myself too.
Happy 2011!
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