It kicked my ass and taunted me and made me cry. A lot. Pathetic, I know... but enough is enough!
Today is January 1, 2011.
1.1.11.
All those 1's mean 1 thing to me... that it's all beginning again, and we don't have to let the past interfere with how we want to improve our future.
My late 30's have been really hard. All that "Adult Stuff" that comes as you grow older decided to hit me, 1 tough thing after another. "Lessons". UGHHHHHHH!!!
The thing that I'm proud of most & can feel most confident about- but can also challenge me with so much doubt, is my work. Acting.
UGH! It's so lame.
Sometimes I worry that my time has run out, that I don't know what I'm doing. Is my career over??!!??!!?
THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!!!
I know I'm not the only 1 who fears these things- we all go there at some point, I suppose...
The last few days of 2010 were spent in my head. Not a nice holiday...it can be a rough place. I came to these conclusions: I'm NOT going to allow myself to feel defeated any longer. I cannot even let myself think for a single second that I'm shit at something that I've loved doing since I was 13, and worked so hard to do as a career.
I've been really trying to take steps since the end of Summer to make my life better. It was time; I couldn't deal anymore.
Leaving the hostel was hard, but not going to the stinky, crazy Tenderloin has improved my outlook on the world. The bummer part- I miss the hostel and most of its inhabitants, but I had to change the situation. While the view has improved, I really believe I need to make a bigger change. My next goal is to move outta this place; hopefully to a safe and sunny spot in the East Bay where I can have a dog.
My apartment in the PolkSac, while totally cute and cozy, is very dark. Like no sun. No plants can grow. So... it can't be good for me either.
This makes me bummed.
It is also of popular opinion- by certain people in my life, that this lack of light leaves me depressed, which... yea, I mean... I can see that.
My lovely Mommy bought me a HappyLight. You have it on for at least 2 hours everyday and it is supposed to help with being bummed. I think it was a little bit of a joke, but it never hurts to try to remedy the situation...
I give you, "2011":
Don't I look happier?
hahaa
The point of all this jabber is: Let's not be sad. Let's really try to not doubt our abilities, and let's believe that we are capable of making things better in our lives. Changing behavior is the hardest thing to do- and I have made a practice of being such a little bitch to myself... but taking care of #1 and knocking out the jerky thoughts is so important. Just punch 'em out! ASSHOLES!!!!
:)
2011 will be my year of kindness. Not only to the people and world around me, but to myself too.
Happy 2011!
5 comments:
Whatever...
Oh Em, you and your amazing articulate responses- now I am at a loss for words.
except...
ASS!
I know they're orgasmic...
Hey Nikki..its Kris, Kori's sister; stubbled on your blog from their blog. I thought I would share with you what I got from someone....hope you enjoy and hope all is well. :-)
Three Most Important Questions (adapted from “The Three questions” by Tolstoy”
Q. What is the most important moment in your life?
A. RIGHT NOW!
“Not a single moment in a person’s life is extra. Each person is given a particular number of days to accomplish their dreams”. unattributed
Q. What is the most important thing you will ever do?
A. Whatever I am doing RIGHT NOW!
“What you do and how you do it determines who and what you ultimately become”
Q. Who is the most important person in your life?
A. The person before me RIGHT NOW!
“Ubuntu Ngumuntu Ngabantu” Zulu for” A person is only a person through other persons”
Kris, thank you so much for that. my goal is to always try my hardest to be in the moment and not let things get me. Three Most Important Questions indeed! I hope you're well too- such a lovely surprise to get a hello and some good wisdom. xx
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