26 April, 2011
14 April, 2011
“Our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks.”
I'm so glad life is back to being surprising again.
Over the past few months so much as changed, and I've learned to love the unexpected gifts that have crossed my path.
It was the kind of thing where I had to make a choice: do I stay where I am and not give myself a chance- or do I say, "Screw it" and start living?
It's an easy enough answer- if you have the right resources.... I was just lucky I had what I needed to grow.
Some pretty rad things have been happening lately; things that I would never even hope to expect, that I just don't want to take for granted- or at the same time, doubt that they are really happening. Some things seem too good to be true.
I've always been a dreamer, an unabashed romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve- and really, aren't you glad you know what's up with me? I'm not a tricker.
I'm pretty stoked on my emotions. (I can't even believe I'm saying that)
Finally!
I mean it sucks feeling bad all the time. Who wants that?
I have hidden myself away for a quite awhile; I gave the power of how I was feeling to people who didn't deserve it. I think it's a really good thing when you realize what has happened and how you can fix it... if someone has broken your heart, or just really been a total asshole to you, it's hard to not let it get to ya and wreck your head.
I'm not gonna lie, it has taken awhile...
but letting go of that bullshit has left me with an open space for good stuff to fill up that now willing vacancy.
Feeling hopeful used to scare me. It still feels risky sometimes.
I used to feel that if something marvelous happened, it meant oooh jeeeze, what's gonna happen now?? An UGH moment.
I'm over that style. That style is lame and can suck it.
I intend to embrace a new style of believing. Changing your brainwaves is tricky, but some things scream at you until you realize it! This is the kind of thing you just have to leap in and ride the waves.
I'm paying attention to signs, and some of them are just undeniable.
Samuel Johnson has got it right: the unexpected can deliver the most beautiful joys in your life- it's just being open to them. From here on, that's the style I'm gonna be. It's not expensive, and it feels really gud.
Over the past few months so much as changed, and I've learned to love the unexpected gifts that have crossed my path.
It was the kind of thing where I had to make a choice: do I stay where I am and not give myself a chance- or do I say, "Screw it" and start living?
It's an easy enough answer- if you have the right resources.... I was just lucky I had what I needed to grow.
Some pretty rad things have been happening lately; things that I would never even hope to expect, that I just don't want to take for granted- or at the same time, doubt that they are really happening. Some things seem too good to be true.
I've always been a dreamer, an unabashed romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve- and really, aren't you glad you know what's up with me? I'm not a tricker.
I'm pretty stoked on my emotions. (I can't even believe I'm saying that)
Finally!
I mean it sucks feeling bad all the time. Who wants that?
I have hidden myself away for a quite awhile; I gave the power of how I was feeling to people who didn't deserve it. I think it's a really good thing when you realize what has happened and how you can fix it... if someone has broken your heart, or just really been a total asshole to you, it's hard to not let it get to ya and wreck your head.
I'm not gonna lie, it has taken awhile...
but letting go of that bullshit has left me with an open space for good stuff to fill up that now willing vacancy.
Feeling hopeful used to scare me. It still feels risky sometimes.
I used to feel that if something marvelous happened, it meant oooh jeeeze, what's gonna happen now?? An UGH moment.
I'm over that style. That style is lame and can suck it.
I intend to embrace a new style of believing. Changing your brainwaves is tricky, but some things scream at you until you realize it! This is the kind of thing you just have to leap in and ride the waves.
I'm paying attention to signs, and some of them are just undeniable.
Samuel Johnson has got it right: the unexpected can deliver the most beautiful joys in your life- it's just being open to them. From here on, that's the style I'm gonna be. It's not expensive, and it feels really gud.
17 March, 2011
09 March, 2011
a laundromat.
27 February, 2011
feeling the "Mayberry"
I've heard this more than once as I've walked the streets of my new neighborhood. "It's like Mayberry."
It is a different world, a throwback to how Santa Rosa felt when I was a kid. Not even that- almost like how Hitchcock showed us in "Shadow of A Doubt". Santa Rosa still has some charm, but not like it used to.
I've been here for a week and a day now, and I am in love. In fact, making out with Piedmont Avenue may not be such a bad option.
I wake up to a sunny spacious apartment; everyday convincing myself that it is not some tease, this is actually my life now. This is not a dream!
When I went back last week to paint my walls in that glorified hallway I spent the last 5 years, I realized how much better my life has the opportunity to be now...
I thought I was getting too old to have a restart, reboot, throw it all out and get a bunch of new ideas, thoughts, beliefs... I knew for sure I could not stay there a single second more.
I do value the lessons of the last 5 years- I suppose... in some ways... I guess I know now how to deal with shitty circumstances? Ack. I think you have to just deal and take what you can and try to not let it beat you down. Truth be told, this can seem an impossible feat.
This all happened so quickly- I just realized that I could not allow myself to feel so stuck anymore- I really believed that my life was kinda set and I didn't see any way to make things better. This is no way to feel at any time ever.
I can already feel the Mayberry... the sunshine, people smiling and greeting as you pass by, questions answered along the avenue, never harried or annoyed, sauntering, looking around. People are so nice here, I almost feel like I'm in Wisconsin or something! I can look up and see the beauty instead of looking down to avoid stepping in shit or questionable wet spots on the street.
I feel good here. I don't feel sad or gross like I did in San Francisco. I never felt like I was good enough; in hindsight I feel so stupid I thought that. Insecurities will kick your ass and mess with your head. Terrible. Thing is,I've always been able to mold myself into any situation, and just get used to the way things are- but in this case, it ultimately wrecked my head.
✷ ✷ ✷ ✷ ✷ ✷
My point is: it's never too late to make a new start- even if you really doubt they exist. Sunshine should never be discounted for the simple fact that it is healthy to have around, and it does feel warm and wonderful. I loved the fog, the moodiness of SF- but it wasn't good for me.
Bring on the sun. Bring on the friendly people. Bring on the possibilities. Bring on the making out!!!!
It's time to lift my head up high and see all that's available. Makes it way easier to reach for the good stuff.
Now if you'll excuse me... I'm hungry for a slice of Mayberry Pie.
It is a different world, a throwback to how Santa Rosa felt when I was a kid. Not even that- almost like how Hitchcock showed us in "Shadow of A Doubt". Santa Rosa still has some charm, but not like it used to.
I've been here for a week and a day now, and I am in love. In fact, making out with Piedmont Avenue may not be such a bad option.
I wake up to a sunny spacious apartment; everyday convincing myself that it is not some tease, this is actually my life now. This is not a dream!
When I went back last week to paint my walls in that glorified hallway I spent the last 5 years, I realized how much better my life has the opportunity to be now...
I thought I was getting too old to have a restart, reboot, throw it all out and get a bunch of new ideas, thoughts, beliefs... I knew for sure I could not stay there a single second more.
I do value the lessons of the last 5 years- I suppose... in some ways... I guess I know now how to deal with shitty circumstances? Ack. I think you have to just deal and take what you can and try to not let it beat you down. Truth be told, this can seem an impossible feat.
This all happened so quickly- I just realized that I could not allow myself to feel so stuck anymore- I really believed that my life was kinda set and I didn't see any way to make things better. This is no way to feel at any time ever.
I can already feel the Mayberry... the sunshine, people smiling and greeting as you pass by, questions answered along the avenue, never harried or annoyed, sauntering, looking around. People are so nice here, I almost feel like I'm in Wisconsin or something! I can look up and see the beauty instead of looking down to avoid stepping in shit or questionable wet spots on the street.
I feel good here. I don't feel sad or gross like I did in San Francisco. I never felt like I was good enough; in hindsight I feel so stupid I thought that. Insecurities will kick your ass and mess with your head. Terrible. Thing is,I've always been able to mold myself into any situation, and just get used to the way things are- but in this case, it ultimately wrecked my head.
✷ ✷ ✷ ✷ ✷ ✷
My point is: it's never too late to make a new start- even if you really doubt they exist. Sunshine should never be discounted for the simple fact that it is healthy to have around, and it does feel warm and wonderful. I loved the fog, the moodiness of SF- but it wasn't good for me.
Bring on the sun. Bring on the friendly people. Bring on the possibilities. Bring on the making out!!!!
It's time to lift my head up high and see all that's available. Makes it way easier to reach for the good stuff.
Now if you'll excuse me... I'm hungry for a slice of Mayberry Pie.
08 February, 2011
a different celebration
So December 8.... you were cloudy and dark, very cold and uncertain. Emotional. blaah.
Now look at you, February 8! The sun is shining, the future is welcoming, and there is so much to look forward to.
It's amazing how things can really change. Believe me, I had no spark of even a teeny molecule of an idea that anything could be different!
Yea, it's just a fortune cookie. But sometimes you just need to hold on to something that maybe doesn't make sense or is just plain goofy.
I know I made this happen. I yearned so much for something new to wake me up, and enjoy what life can be when you open up to it. So I did it. Doing it!
As my friend Kori said in an email, "way to be the boss of your life! fuck yeah, muthafucka! that's the way to do it. i mean shit we're almost 40- if we aren't going to be the boss by now what the fuck?"
Brilliant.
I'm so happy that for my Daddy's birthday this year I am celebrating with a smile through my tears, knowing that I have so many new experiences ahead- new chances to take more chances - with the belief I can do it.
I know it's what he always wanted for me.
01 January, 2011
Let the Light Back In, Chapter 1.1.11
Those who know me, know that I was not a fan of 2010, as it clearly didn't have much love for me either.
It kicked my ass and taunted me and made me cry. A lot. Pathetic, I know... but enough is enough!
Today is January 1, 2011.
1.1.11.
All those 1's mean 1 thing to me... that it's all beginning again, and we don't have to let the past interfere with how we want to improve our future.
My late 30's have been really hard. All that "Adult Stuff" that comes as you grow older decided to hit me, 1 tough thing after another. "Lessons". UGHHHHHHH!!!
The thing that I'm proud of most & can feel most confident about- but can also challenge me with so much doubt, is my work. Acting.
UGH! It's so lame.
Sometimes I worry that my time has run out, that I don't know what I'm doing. Is my career over??!!??!!?
THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!!!
I know I'm not the only 1 who fears these things- we all go there at some point, I suppose...
The last few days of 2010 were spent in my head. Not a nice holiday...it can be a rough place. I came to these conclusions: I'm NOT going to allow myself to feel defeated any longer. I cannot even let myself think for a single second that I'm shit at something that I've loved doing since I was 13, and worked so hard to do as a career.
I've been really trying to take steps since the end of Summer to make my life better. It was time; I couldn't deal anymore.
Leaving the hostel was hard, but not going to the stinky, crazy Tenderloin has improved my outlook on the world. The bummer part- I miss the hostel and most of its inhabitants, but I had to change the situation. While the view has improved, I really believe I need to make a bigger change. My next goal is to move outta this place; hopefully to a safe and sunny spot in the East Bay where I can have a dog.
My apartment in the PolkSac, while totally cute and cozy, is very dark. Like no sun. No plants can grow. So... it can't be good for me either.
This makes me bummed.
It is also of popular opinion- by certain people in my life, that this lack of light leaves me depressed, which... yea, I mean... I can see that.
My lovely Mommy bought me a HappyLight. You have it on for at least 2 hours everyday and it is supposed to help with being bummed. I think it was a little bit of a joke, but it never hurts to try to remedy the situation...
I give you, "2011":
Don't I look happier?
hahaa
The point of all this jabber is: Let's not be sad. Let's really try to not doubt our abilities, and let's believe that we are capable of making things better in our lives. Changing behavior is the hardest thing to do- and I have made a practice of being such a little bitch to myself... but taking care of #1 and knocking out the jerky thoughts is so important. Just punch 'em out! ASSHOLES!!!!
:)
2011 will be my year of kindness. Not only to the people and world around me, but to myself too.
Happy 2011!
It kicked my ass and taunted me and made me cry. A lot. Pathetic, I know... but enough is enough!
Today is January 1, 2011.
1.1.11.
All those 1's mean 1 thing to me... that it's all beginning again, and we don't have to let the past interfere with how we want to improve our future.
My late 30's have been really hard. All that "Adult Stuff" that comes as you grow older decided to hit me, 1 tough thing after another. "Lessons". UGHHHHHHH!!!
The thing that I'm proud of most & can feel most confident about- but can also challenge me with so much doubt, is my work. Acting.
UGH! It's so lame.
Sometimes I worry that my time has run out, that I don't know what I'm doing. Is my career over??!!??!!?
THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!!!
I know I'm not the only 1 who fears these things- we all go there at some point, I suppose...
The last few days of 2010 were spent in my head. Not a nice holiday...it can be a rough place. I came to these conclusions: I'm NOT going to allow myself to feel defeated any longer. I cannot even let myself think for a single second that I'm shit at something that I've loved doing since I was 13, and worked so hard to do as a career.
I've been really trying to take steps since the end of Summer to make my life better. It was time; I couldn't deal anymore.
Leaving the hostel was hard, but not going to the stinky, crazy Tenderloin has improved my outlook on the world. The bummer part- I miss the hostel and most of its inhabitants, but I had to change the situation. While the view has improved, I really believe I need to make a bigger change. My next goal is to move outta this place; hopefully to a safe and sunny spot in the East Bay where I can have a dog.
My apartment in the PolkSac, while totally cute and cozy, is very dark. Like no sun. No plants can grow. So... it can't be good for me either.
This makes me bummed.
It is also of popular opinion- by certain people in my life, that this lack of light leaves me depressed, which... yea, I mean... I can see that.
My lovely Mommy bought me a HappyLight. You have it on for at least 2 hours everyday and it is supposed to help with being bummed. I think it was a little bit of a joke, but it never hurts to try to remedy the situation...
I give you, "2011":
Don't I look happier?
hahaa
The point of all this jabber is: Let's not be sad. Let's really try to not doubt our abilities, and let's believe that we are capable of making things better in our lives. Changing behavior is the hardest thing to do- and I have made a practice of being such a little bitch to myself... but taking care of #1 and knocking out the jerky thoughts is so important. Just punch 'em out! ASSHOLES!!!!
:)
2011 will be my year of kindness. Not only to the people and world around me, but to myself too.
Happy 2011!
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