Let the Light Back In, Chapter 1.1.11

Those who know me, know that I was not a fan of 2010, as it clearly didn't have much love for me either.

It kicked my ass and taunted me and made me cry. A lot. Pathetic, I know... but enough is enough!
Today is January 1, 2011.
1.1.11.
All those 1's mean 1 thing to me... that it's all beginning again, and we don't have to let the past interfere with how we want to improve our future.

My late 30's have been really hard. All that "Adult Stuff" that comes as you grow older decided to hit me, 1 tough thing after another. "Lessons". UGHHHHHHH!!!
The thing that I'm proud of most & can feel most confident about- but can also challenge me with so much doubt, is my work. Acting.
UGH! It's so lame.
Sometimes I worry that my time has run out, that I don't know what I'm doing. Is my career over??!!??!!?

THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!!!

I know I'm not the only 1 who fears these things- we all go there at some point, I suppose...
The last few days of 2010 were spent in my head. Not a nice holiday...it can be a rough place. I came to these conclusions: I'm NOT going to allow myself to feel defeated any longer. I cannot even let myself think for a single second that I'm shit at something that I've loved doing since I was 13, and worked so hard to do as a career.

I've been really trying to take steps since the end of Summer to make my life better. It was time; I couldn't deal anymore.
Leaving the hostel was hard, but not going to the stinky, crazy Tenderloin has improved my outlook on the world. The bummer part- I miss the hostel and most of its inhabitants, but I had to change the situation. While the view has improved, I really believe I need to make a bigger change. My next goal is to move outta this place; hopefully to a safe and sunny spot in the East Bay where I can have a dog.
My apartment in the PolkSac, while totally cute and cozy, is very dark. Like no sun. No plants can grow. So... it can't be good for me either.
This makes me bummed.
It is also of popular opinion- by certain people in my life, that this lack of light leaves me depressed, which... yea, I mean... I can see that.
My lovely Mommy bought me a HappyLight. You have it on for at least 2 hours everyday and it is supposed to help with being bummed. I think it was a little bit of a joke, but it never hurts to try to remedy the situation...
I give you, "2011":

Don't I look happier?
hahaa
The point of all this jabber is: Let's not be sad. Let's really try to not doubt our abilities, and let's believe that we are capable of making things better in our lives. Changing behavior is the hardest thing to do- and I have made a practice of being such a little bitch to myself... but taking care of #1 and knocking out the jerky thoughts is so important. Just punch 'em out! ASSHOLES!!!!
:)

2011 will be my year of kindness. Not only to the people and world around me, but to myself too.

Happy 2011!

what is purple & needs a pedicure?

this photograph has a purpose.

it is to remind me of something very important:
be mindful & SLOW the F DOWN!!

Drunken Reminder #49

Bistro St Germain Haight & Fillmore yummy French Tapas.

new friends, gumbo, chimay &

an Ocean Beach Sunset.

ventured from the polksac and discovered rainbows

440. the castro. drunkiness. happy Kieran!

Lest we forget the devotion of Captain Frederick Wentworth....

"I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in F. W.

I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never.

Captain Wentworth to Anne Elliot"
— Jane Austen (Persuasion)

Walking down the hill with the rain in my face

Here we are, the first day of Daylight Savings Time. I woke up at 7:30- thought about sleeping more, but actually felt pretty awake. The rain was tapping on my window, and the light was beckoning me to climb down that ladder and start this day with a lovely cup of tea.
I caught the latest episode of The X Factor, squealed, cried and was a little perplexed bordering on annoyed- Wagner? Reaaaally??- but loved it all. The rain is still falling, more tea is in the kitchen, whispering my name with that lovely accent.
It was 10:00.
I've already been up for hours... what to do?
I put on my boots and my coat, purposefully leaving my umbrella behind.
A walk in the rain... for pleasure!
NOW. This is quite a big deal... working in a crap neighborhood for so many years made me not enjoy walking in San Francisco. Too much completely undesirable human traffic... I was just not interested in taking walks for fun because it always involved something gross.
Yes, I took a pleasure walk in the rain.
I had this idea that I wanted to go to Wags and see the doggies- but I wasn't sure if they'd be open....

Look at the "Nana" dog, looking up at me! I love dogs. They always make my day better.
Went to Cheese Plus, got some Yorkshire Gold (drinking it now, mmmm) stopped at Millers for a breakfast. Hair like a wet mop, coat soaked, and boots that happily found themselves to puddles. I kept walking even though I was close to home; up Sacramento to Leavenworth just so I could walk back down it and feel the rain in my face.
Why do I feel compelled to record the events of this morning?
I feel pretty good. I've had some uncertainty with stuff lately... but I believe I made the right choice for myself, and I'm experiencing positive changes already.
The rain washes so much away- it cleans the air, the streets ... and sometimes,when the sky is grey, you really can see things much more vividly.