“The loveliest faces are to be seen by moonlight, when one sees half with the eye and half with the fancy” -Persian Proverb

My sister sent this to me today... I love it.

Thanks Jojo ♥

no hearts or flowers. just real talk.

Ok so today I just have to vent.
This one's a little heavy, folks.
A customer at work this morning knew I was a bit off, and yes, we all can't be rays of sunshine all the time. So give me a break. Some days smiling is not something I can fake. I will try but I know I'm lookin all crazy. I hate feeling fake. I suck at hiding my emotions- and as humiliating as that can be sometimes, I'd rather be able to let those feelings out when I can. Sometimes the time comes and it's not right, but what can I do?
I'm struggling with where I am and what I'm still doing- which I believe Einstein said is the definition of insanity... the insanity coming from basically doing the same day job I've done since I was 22- the locations have changed, but it's still the same deal. When I was 22, I loved it. Heck, I even enjoyed it when I was 30. Coffee was always something I could "fall back on"- I felt a lot of pride and I loved being a part of the whole buzz.
I have a big birthday number this year- and still feel some days that I'm struggling to be an "adult". I cannot help but feel incredibly disappointed in myself... I can beat myself up better than anyone could even try, and I am definitely not holding back these days.
I do need to say this: I am so thankful to have a job. I know how things are now and I am grateful to have a regular check coming in. I have never been one to take things lightly, and I will always do my best, even if it's not ideal.
All I want to do is be a Voice Actor.
It's frustrating to me to go have an amazing session, doing what I love more than anything, then having to go do a job that I'm just not proud of myself for. It doesn't feel good at all.
The sacrifices I have made to live my dream have made my life more challenging, mostly financially. The sacrifices my parents made! My Mom still helps me. I hate this, it's embarrassing...I feel terrible. My parents always supported me in my dreams, no matter. I'm so thankful for that. USSR when I was 17? "GO!" Drama School? "Do it!" "You wanna move to NYC? Of course, we knew this was coming!"
I've had some incredible experiences, but I am ready for things to be more solid in my life, to be able to take care of everything with no stress, all on my own. I wish I could be more nonchalant about things, but that's just not me. I am a crazy perfectionist, but I'm learning to not need perfection. Um, hello Nicki, it's impossible! I just want to feel ok and take care of my biz.
On the bright side- because we need that about now- deep, deep down I do believe things will get better. There are a few awesome potential opportunities brewing; I just need a miracle NOW. I will continue to wish on stars, heads-up pennies (i found 14 cents in my left boot the other day), and pretty much any opportunity I get to wish, I'm gonna do it. I believe in possibilities. Just need some movement forward, the sooner the better.
I know so many people are going through this same struggle. Some haven't even tasted what it feels like to do what you really love, and I am supremely blessed there.
Being a creative person-I think that sometimes the darkness can creep in, and it can hold on real tight. Passion is a wonderful thing but it can also wreck your head. It's just really intense to be so vulnerable. I'm thankful for my gifts; I just want to make sure I live up to my potential... and I think that's why I feel so sad now, because I know I'm not.
If you're still here, thank you for indulging me. I'm just feeling pretty shitty today and really stinking ready for things to start clicking this year.

rainy day rapp up

I always like to muse upon the the old year when the new year rolls around... and here we are, almost a month in ALREADY!
It's a rainy day, and I was feeling a little trapped in my apartment. The Irish in me heard the call of a Guinness from the pub next door, so here I am!
2011 was a pretty big year, lots of movement and change in my life.
The big physical move for me was getting the heck out of San Francisco.... while I can admire "The City" for some things, I knew for my well being it was time to get out.
The move was not far, yet a world away... just across the Bay Bridge to Oakland. I never thought I would ever live here, but almost a year later, I know that for now- it's just right.
Work last year was good, I got to be a part of some really amazing projects I'd been doing for ages, and some new stuff too. This year I'm looking forward to having the best Voice Acting year yet.... I just feel like I'm on the verge and and SO ready to have it happen. I've been working for 13 years now. It is time. Being an actor is what I am, it's all I've ever worked for- and it's a struggle... I remember when I was in Drama School and I said, "I don't care if I get paid, I just wanna act".... well hehe I've learned since then you can love your art and support your art- but that time is gonna come when your art needs to support you too- and while it brings me more joy than I can express- I'm talkin support with some real serious dollars. I'm ready for that to happen. Nothing crazy, just so I can live and not stress about the day to day anymore. It is exhausting and takes my energy away. I want no more of this!!
An amazing gift last year was of friendship and travel. I went to Texas, and it was the best adventure of my life so far. Never knew the beauty of that place, and now I am so thankful that I do. Easy travels with a perfect companion can never be underestimated. It's the best. Can't wait to see more... it's the Australia of America!
I even took a trip to Los Angeles to get some more things happenin' career-wise, and I believe everything will fall into place. I'm just really thankful for the opportunities and support I have for these times in my life. Hard work is even more wonderful when you're doing it knowing it's for something you're really looking forward to.
So here we are in 2012...it's time to get things done. I have to say that in my life now I feel more supported than ever and I'm building up my confidence more and more... we all go through the times when we doubt, but in 2012, I will do a lot less of that. Imagine it, plan it... and live it. Time is short.

New Audio Demo for a New Year!

With a new year, I've gotta get that optimism biz all revved up again. I have some really big Voice Acting goals for 2012 and I'm anxious to start feeling like things are clicking again!
After he did my video demo, I was really excited to hear my audio one too; I am so thankful and I love it! AJ is really intuitive and gets my sense of humor; I love the way he edited my characters and I can't help but smile and feel kinda proud of myself. I'm feeling ready.
In this demo we've a little "Sammun-mak" and a littler "Sam Jr."(he is a baby cockroach after all) from Telltale Game's "Sam and Max"... that little girly Sim from EA's "The Sims 3"...a bit of perkiness from "Piki Matsumoto" in Mondo Mini Show's "Piki and Poko: Adventures In Starland" ... the super rad and sassy "Lili Zannotto" from Doublefine Production's "Psychonauts"... and the Mighty Pirate Hunter herself, "Morgan LeFlay" from Telltale's "Tales of Monkey Island". As new projects arrive, we'll get more out in the universe. Here's to a better year for creativity and lots of work!

New video demo!!!!

Many many thanks to AJ for working so hard to make me look so good! The guy is basically incredible.
It was definitely time to get this going....
We've got Morgan, Lili, Sammun-Mak and Piki... and a lot of crazy kid Simlish. I'm pretty proud of who I've gotten to be ♥

It's time.

So next week is kind of a big deal.
I'm going down to L.A. to see what is out there for me... it is time.
oooooh L.A. Not my favorite place. If I'm honest, I'm a bit intimidated by it all, but it's time to be brave.
I went to college in Pasadena and it made me really appreciate the beauty of my sweet home in Northern California for the first time. We're in the same state, but Southern California is a world away from Northern... I missed the Redwoods, the lovely smell, clear blue skies, stars at night- it was just loads of smog and concrete, and that is not for me. Thing is, I've realized it's time for me to open up again to the possibilities of the South. That's where the work is. I want to work!
AJ is going to be sharing his rad comic, The Super Newts, and my personal favorite- The Adventures of Dorse and Doose (loads of poop jokes hehe) at a brand new comic book/multimedia exhibition at the Los Angeles Convention Center, Comikaze. I'm so excited he asked me to help him out and be in the whole scene. He has worked so hard...he's on the verge, and it's really exciting to be even a little part of it.
I worked over at EA on Wednesday, and I can't say enough how much I love recording there and how amazing it is to have such an insanely fun job. I've been a part of that world since 2003 and I feel incredibly supported, totally believed in- they really helped me out in making connections for this adventure. I am so thankful for this, it blows me away.
I'm a little nervous, a lot excited, super hopeful, and also know that I need to do this if I want to further my career. It is very exciting! I am about to confront the mountain I've always known I had to climb ... feeling a bit anxious... but at the same time I know I've just been afraid of the unknown. Silly, really. I've taken a lot of risks in my life, done some pretty courageous things that I didn't even think twice about... why is this any different?
I'm thankful to have the support to do this, and to also have some rad new experiences that will propel me to other places ... I'm ready to make my goals a reality.
So here's the scoop. Come to Comikaze next weekend, November 5 & 6- visit us at booth #94 and say Hai! Get some comics before Gudfit blows up so you can say you were there before it all got crazy! Support the arts and hang out with us for awhile. Curry Goat will wiggle his happy little tail for you- and trust me, you do not want to miss that!

The possibilities of Walking with the Dead

Almost everyday I go walking in a most amazing place, the Mountain View Cemetery.
It's very calm, beautiful, there are a gazillion trees, and you can lose yourself there. Sometimes I need a place to set my head straight, and this place helps me with that. Nature is amazing. All I hear are birds and the wind in the trees... the best soundtrack, with a perfect view above.
There is a certain part of the cemetery that my friend Shawna and I call "the zombie part"- throughout the grounds it is green and lush, really taken care of; this section is just dirt and has really, really old graves.
A few months ago I got to audition for a pretty big video game. I took a chance on a character that I felt was a long shot, but she got to say "Fuck" super crazy in the script and her bio was so intense and dramatic. This lady is messed up, and I was totally into it.
I had to try.
Amazingly, I got a callback to read again, which was an exciting sign. Problem was, I was suffering from a bout of food poisoning from some nasty oysters.
I was sick all night; had to get the audition in by 10 am.... I felt like a zombie, and that was NOT the character!
I did it, but felt like I blew it.

UGH.

That was July.
I pretty much decided I needed to give up hope... it's just hard when you want something so badly- especially when you never thought it was even possible to begin with.

At the end of August I left town and headed for Texas.
I flew into Dallas before my final super anticipation filled destination of San Antonio.
Check my phone, email about this part?!!?! WHAT??!!??
Another read, a bit more direction, when can I get it in?
My adrenaline level was already quite high at this point; I was so excited for this trip, so excited that my chance had not passed.
It's also funny that it seems like every time I'm leaving town, I get some rad opportunity- and sadly- some are missed.
But check it out: not all the time!

AJ and his brother Tony got me a place to record at the school they both attended, San Antonio College. Tony's teacher, John L. Onderdonk, aka 'Mr. O', was the man who said "Yes". He didn't have to, and I am so grateful.
It was quite a journey to find a quiet and comfortable spot to record in when it was well over 100 degrees! Those guys are amazing to have helped me so much with this, it was above and beyond.
When we got the answer that, indeed, there was a place I could record, it was brilliant. All I needed was a little space, a closet even- I was planning to just record on my phone...
but we were put in a room with mics and PRO TOOLS?!??
Mr. O!!! O M G!!!
Are you kidding me right now?
Can I tell you how much I love Texas?? It was only my second day and I was over the moon!
AJ and Tony were very patient with me, waiting down the hall, while I basically obsessed over the new beats I needed to connect with -and when I was finished, I had an amazing editor (AJ) make me sound even better.
So we got it done.
Now I could relax!
We vacationed, it was still on my mind.
I thought, "maybe I'll hear before I go back home?"
Alas, this was not the case.

Once again I decided that it just didn't work out- I probably thought too much, I was hot and tired... now for sure I blew it!!

A few weeks after I returned home I was taking my morning walk in the cemetery, just walking past the zombies.
I hear on my phone that I got an email, and at first I disregarded it, thinking it was probably something stupid...
I found out that I got the part!!
It was perfect, finding out that I booked an amazing role in a kickass game about zombies as I walked past the zombie part in the cemetery!

I'm so excited to see how it all turns out. This is a very different character for me; I've had my first session and I feel very grown up in a way that I haven't before with my voice acting. I'm so thankful for the opportunity... thankful for the support of wonderful friends and colleagues who were looking out, and wanted me to do well. I'm a lucky girl.

It was definitely worth the effort, all the sweat- and the wait.