rainy day rapp up

I always like to muse upon the the old year when the new year rolls around... and here we are, almost a month in ALREADY!
It's a rainy day, and I was feeling a little trapped in my apartment. The Irish in me heard the call of a Guinness from the pub next door, so here I am!
2011 was a pretty big year, lots of movement and change in my life.
The big physical move for me was getting the heck out of San Francisco.... while I can admire "The City" for some things, I knew for my well being it was time to get out.
The move was not far, yet a world away... just across the Bay Bridge to Oakland. I never thought I would ever live here, but almost a year later, I know that for now- it's just right.
Work last year was good, I got to be a part of some really amazing projects I'd been doing for ages, and some new stuff too. This year I'm looking forward to having the best Voice Acting year yet.... I just feel like I'm on the verge and and SO ready to have it happen. I've been working for 13 years now. It is time. Being an actor is what I am, it's all I've ever worked for- and it's a struggle... I remember when I was in Drama School and I said, "I don't care if I get paid, I just wanna act".... well hehe I've learned since then you can love your art and support your art- but that time is gonna come when your art needs to support you too- and while it brings me more joy than I can express- I'm talkin support with some real serious dollars. I'm ready for that to happen. Nothing crazy, just so I can live and not stress about the day to day anymore. It is exhausting and takes my energy away. I want no more of this!!
An amazing gift last year was of friendship and travel. I went to Texas, and it was the best adventure of my life so far. Never knew the beauty of that place, and now I am so thankful that I do. Easy travels with a perfect companion can never be underestimated. It's the best. Can't wait to see more... it's the Australia of America!
I even took a trip to Los Angeles to get some more things happenin' career-wise, and I believe everything will fall into place. I'm just really thankful for the opportunities and support I have for these times in my life. Hard work is even more wonderful when you're doing it knowing it's for something you're really looking forward to.
So here we are in 2012...it's time to get things done. I have to say that in my life now I feel more supported than ever and I'm building up my confidence more and more... we all go through the times when we doubt, but in 2012, I will do a lot less of that. Imagine it, plan it... and live it. Time is short.

It's time.

So next week is kind of a big deal.
I'm going down to L.A. to see what is out there for me... it is time.
oooooh L.A. Not my favorite place. If I'm honest, I'm a bit intimidated by it all, but it's time to be brave.
I went to college in Pasadena and it made me really appreciate the beauty of my sweet home in Northern California for the first time. We're in the same state, but Southern California is a world away from Northern... I missed the Redwoods, the lovely smell, clear blue skies, stars at night- it was just loads of smog and concrete, and that is not for me. Thing is, I've realized it's time for me to open up again to the possibilities of the South. That's where the work is. I want to work!
AJ is going to be sharing his rad comic, The Super Newts, and my personal favorite- The Adventures of Dorse and Doose (loads of poop jokes hehe) at a brand new comic book/multimedia exhibition at the Los Angeles Convention Center, Comikaze. I'm so excited he asked me to help him out and be in the whole scene. He has worked so hard...he's on the verge, and it's really exciting to be even a little part of it.
I worked over at EA on Wednesday, and I can't say enough how much I love recording there and how amazing it is to have such an insanely fun job. I've been a part of that world since 2003 and I feel incredibly supported, totally believed in- they really helped me out in making connections for this adventure. I am so thankful for this, it blows me away.
I'm a little nervous, a lot excited, super hopeful, and also know that I need to do this if I want to further my career. It is very exciting! I am about to confront the mountain I've always known I had to climb ... feeling a bit anxious... but at the same time I know I've just been afraid of the unknown. Silly, really. I've taken a lot of risks in my life, done some pretty courageous things that I didn't even think twice about... why is this any different?
I'm thankful to have the support to do this, and to also have some rad new experiences that will propel me to other places ... I'm ready to make my goals a reality.
So here's the scoop. Come to Comikaze next weekend, November 5 & 6- visit us at booth #94 and say Hai! Get some comics before Gudfit blows up so you can say you were there before it all got crazy! Support the arts and hang out with us for awhile. Curry Goat will wiggle his happy little tail for you- and trust me, you do not want to miss that!

The possibilities of Walking with the Dead

Almost everyday I go walking in a most amazing place, the Mountain View Cemetery.
It's very calm, beautiful, there are a gazillion trees, and you can lose yourself there. Sometimes I need a place to set my head straight, and this place helps me with that. Nature is amazing. All I hear are birds and the wind in the trees... the best soundtrack, with a perfect view above.
There is a certain part of the cemetery that my friend Shawna and I call "the zombie part"- throughout the grounds it is green and lush, really taken care of; this section is just dirt and has really, really old graves.
A few months ago I got to audition for a pretty big video game. I took a chance on a character that I felt was a long shot, but she got to say "Fuck" super crazy in the script and her bio was so intense and dramatic. This lady is messed up, and I was totally into it.
I had to try.
Amazingly, I got a callback to read again, which was an exciting sign. Problem was, I was suffering from a bout of food poisoning from some nasty oysters.
I was sick all night; had to get the audition in by 10 am.... I felt like a zombie, and that was NOT the character!
I did it, but felt like I blew it.

UGH.

That was July.
I pretty much decided I needed to give up hope... it's just hard when you want something so badly- especially when you never thought it was even possible to begin with.

At the end of August I left town and headed for Texas.
I flew into Dallas before my final super anticipation filled destination of San Antonio.
Check my phone, email about this part?!!?! WHAT??!!??
Another read, a bit more direction, when can I get it in?
My adrenaline level was already quite high at this point; I was so excited for this trip, so excited that my chance had not passed.
It's also funny that it seems like every time I'm leaving town, I get some rad opportunity- and sadly- some are missed.
But check it out: not all the time!

AJ and his brother Tony got me a place to record at the school they both attended, San Antonio College. Tony's teacher, John L. Onderdonk, aka 'Mr. O', was the man who said "Yes". He didn't have to, and I am so grateful.
It was quite a journey to find a quiet and comfortable spot to record in when it was well over 100 degrees! Those guys are amazing to have helped me so much with this, it was above and beyond.
When we got the answer that, indeed, there was a place I could record, it was brilliant. All I needed was a little space, a closet even- I was planning to just record on my phone...
but we were put in a room with mics and PRO TOOLS?!??
Mr. O!!! O M G!!!
Are you kidding me right now?
Can I tell you how much I love Texas?? It was only my second day and I was over the moon!
AJ and Tony were very patient with me, waiting down the hall, while I basically obsessed over the new beats I needed to connect with -and when I was finished, I had an amazing editor (AJ) make me sound even better.
So we got it done.
Now I could relax!
We vacationed, it was still on my mind.
I thought, "maybe I'll hear before I go back home?"
Alas, this was not the case.

Once again I decided that it just didn't work out- I probably thought too much, I was hot and tired... now for sure I blew it!!

A few weeks after I returned home I was taking my morning walk in the cemetery, just walking past the zombies.
I hear on my phone that I got an email, and at first I disregarded it, thinking it was probably something stupid...
I found out that I got the part!!
It was perfect, finding out that I booked an amazing role in a kickass game about zombies as I walked past the zombie part in the cemetery!

I'm so excited to see how it all turns out. This is a very different character for me; I've had my first session and I feel very grown up in a way that I haven't before with my voice acting. I'm so thankful for the opportunity... thankful for the support of wonderful friends and colleagues who were looking out, and wanted me to do well. I'm a lucky girl.

It was definitely worth the effort, all the sweat- and the wait.

It's one of those nights

"You told me it was
because of me
you gazed at the moon.
I've come to see
if this is true."

-Izumi Shikibu

(10th-11th century)

A favorite poem from the past

The More Loving One
by W. H. Auden

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little more time.

incredible moments that lasted for days

Travel is an important part of my life, in fact, it helps me exist on this planet. If I didn't know there was something bigger out there, something more to open my eyes, it would be a tragedy. Life would be pretty dang boring if we didn't have all the amazing cultural differences to keep us on our toes.
When I travel, it's usually on my own. I mix it up with meeting friends and of course making new ones on the way, which all equals to a lot of precious memories- but this time was different, and I was not disappointed.
About a week ago I returned from a place that I really never thought I would go: Texas. I wasn't adverse to it; I just never really had it on my radar. I thought to myself, "Hmmm...Texas is the Australia of America..."- I've longed to go there since i became obsessed with koalas in 3rd grade -alas, heading Down Under is not in my Actor-y budget at this time- so I embraced this opportunity.
The really wonderful part about this journey was that I was going to be living it with someone really special to me- seeing his world through my eyes was something I wanted to experience. You know when you talk to someone on the phone all the time, they tell you stuff about where they live, what things are like, where they hang out... I love it when I can picture and understand where they come from. It makes me feel more connected, and I can better understand the similarities and differences in our lives.
Travel! Such a gift.
I arrived in San Antonio in 108 degree heat. I was escorted to the giant boots. During our 10 days together we saw copious (i love that word) amounts of animals: buffalo, buzzards, baby frogs, a baby salamander that I held in my hand(!!!), Emu, Roadrunners, hella lizards, some rad dogs, a whole lotta Nutrias, many varieties of ducks and geese, loads of fish, a snake, oooh there was a hummingbird super close to my face.... and my FAVORITE, bats. (did i miss anything, AJ?)
I celebrated my birthday on this adventure, and it couldn't have been a more wonderful time of feeling alive and excited for the future... I needed this. I woke up. My birthday was amazing. There was much stargazing, unlimited hilarity in storytelling and just straight up delight in where I was and who I was with. I was in the moment, and it felt so good. We laid on the ground, watched the bats flutter overhead, oooing and ahhing when they got real close, mixing with the stars as the glowing moon watched over us.
This was the Texas I knew was out there, this was what I wanted to experience- to me, it was perfect. Best birthday gift a girl could ask for: limitless stars, ridiculous amounts of laughter, and wonderful companionship. I can be a bit of a loner; I find a lot of contentment in my own company... but sharing this adventure was the best of my life so far- it was so easy,  there were so many magic moments- and also a lot of honesty and heartfelt conversation. Finding a brilliant travel partner and friend is like striking gold. Actually, it's priceless.
I luxuriated in 10 days of bliss, 10 days of getting to know someone and the world he knows.... 10 days where I felt so happy and alive. I wouldn't have traded that time for anything.... and I can't wait til we do it again. There's a lot of Texas to see!
Sometimes you have to take a chance. A chance on an adventure, a chance on a person, a chance on some crazy thing to put in your tummy! People come into our lives at certain times for very special reasons.... I listen close to the Universe, and I pay attention to this stuff. Some things cannot be denied, no matter how inconvenient they seem, or how much your brain tries to mess with you. I was so gung-ho on just traveling abroad, but adventuring in my own country is a huge eye opener as well- and in the end, if you're with someone who brightens your world, does it really matter where you are?

“Our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks.”

I'm so glad life is back to being surprising again.
Over the past few months so much as changed, and I've learned to love the unexpected gifts that have crossed my path.
It was the kind of thing where I had to make a choice: do I stay where I am and not give myself a chance- or do I say, "Screw it" and start living?
It's an easy enough answer- if you have the right resources.... I was just lucky I had what I needed to grow.
Some pretty rad things have been happening lately; things that I would never even hope to expect, that I just don't want to take for granted- or at the same time, doubt that they are really happening. Some things seem too good to be true.
I've always been a dreamer, an unabashed romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve- and really, aren't you glad you know what's up with me? I'm not a tricker.
I'm pretty stoked on my emotions. (I can't even believe I'm saying that)
Finally!
I mean it sucks feeling bad all the time. Who wants that?
I have hidden myself away for a quite awhile; I gave the power of how I was feeling to people who didn't deserve it. I think it's a really good thing when you realize what has happened and how you can fix it... if someone has broken your heart, or just really been a total asshole to you, it's hard to not let it get to ya and wreck your head.
I'm not gonna lie, it has taken awhile...
but letting go of that bullshit has left me with an open space for good stuff to fill up that now willing vacancy.
Feeling hopeful used to scare me. It still feels risky sometimes.
I used to feel that if something marvelous happened, it meant oooh jeeeze, what's gonna happen now?? An UGH moment.
I'm over that style. That style is lame and can suck it.
I intend to embrace a new style of believing. Changing your brainwaves is tricky, but some things scream at you until you realize it! This is the kind of thing you just have to leap in and ride the waves.
I'm paying attention to signs, and some of them are just undeniable.
Samuel Johnson has got it right: the unexpected can deliver the most beautiful joys in your life- it's just being open to them. From here on, that's the style I'm gonna be. It's not expensive, and it feels really gud.