no hearts or flowers. just real talk.

Ok so today I just have to vent.
This one's a little heavy, folks.
A customer at work this morning knew I was a bit off, and yes, we all can't be rays of sunshine all the time. So give me a break. Some days smiling is not something I can fake. I will try but I know I'm lookin all crazy. I hate feeling fake. I suck at hiding my emotions- and as humiliating as that can be sometimes, I'd rather be able to let those feelings out when I can. Sometimes the time comes and it's not right, but what can I do?
I'm struggling with where I am and what I'm still doing- which I believe Einstein said is the definition of insanity... the insanity coming from basically doing the same day job I've done since I was 22- the locations have changed, but it's still the same deal. When I was 22, I loved it. Heck, I even enjoyed it when I was 30. Coffee was always something I could "fall back on"- I felt a lot of pride and I loved being a part of the whole buzz.
I have a big birthday number this year- and still feel some days that I'm struggling to be an "adult". I cannot help but feel incredibly disappointed in myself... I can beat myself up better than anyone could even try, and I am definitely not holding back these days.
I do need to say this: I am so thankful to have a job. I know how things are now and I am grateful to have a regular check coming in. I have never been one to take things lightly, and I will always do my best, even if it's not ideal.
All I want to do is be a Voice Actor.
It's frustrating to me to go have an amazing session, doing what I love more than anything, then having to go do a job that I'm just not proud of myself for. It doesn't feel good at all.
The sacrifices I have made to live my dream have made my life more challenging, mostly financially. The sacrifices my parents made! My Mom still helps me. I hate this, it's embarrassing...I feel terrible. My parents always supported me in my dreams, no matter. I'm so thankful for that. USSR when I was 17? "GO!" Drama School? "Do it!" "You wanna move to NYC? Of course, we knew this was coming!"
I've had some incredible experiences, but I am ready for things to be more solid in my life, to be able to take care of everything with no stress, all on my own. I wish I could be more nonchalant about things, but that's just not me. I am a crazy perfectionist, but I'm learning to not need perfection. Um, hello Nicki, it's impossible! I just want to feel ok and take care of my biz.
On the bright side- because we need that about now- deep, deep down I do believe things will get better. There are a few awesome potential opportunities brewing; I just need a miracle NOW. I will continue to wish on stars, heads-up pennies (i found 14 cents in my left boot the other day), and pretty much any opportunity I get to wish, I'm gonna do it. I believe in possibilities. Just need some movement forward, the sooner the better.
I know so many people are going through this same struggle. Some haven't even tasted what it feels like to do what you really love, and I am supremely blessed there.
Being a creative person-I think that sometimes the darkness can creep in, and it can hold on real tight. Passion is a wonderful thing but it can also wreck your head. It's just really intense to be so vulnerable. I'm thankful for my gifts; I just want to make sure I live up to my potential... and I think that's why I feel so sad now, because I know I'm not.
If you're still here, thank you for indulging me. I'm just feeling pretty shitty today and really stinking ready for things to start clicking this year.

“Our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks.”

I'm so glad life is back to being surprising again.
Over the past few months so much as changed, and I've learned to love the unexpected gifts that have crossed my path.
It was the kind of thing where I had to make a choice: do I stay where I am and not give myself a chance- or do I say, "Screw it" and start living?
It's an easy enough answer- if you have the right resources.... I was just lucky I had what I needed to grow.
Some pretty rad things have been happening lately; things that I would never even hope to expect, that I just don't want to take for granted- or at the same time, doubt that they are really happening. Some things seem too good to be true.
I've always been a dreamer, an unabashed romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve- and really, aren't you glad you know what's up with me? I'm not a tricker.
I'm pretty stoked on my emotions. (I can't even believe I'm saying that)
Finally!
I mean it sucks feeling bad all the time. Who wants that?
I have hidden myself away for a quite awhile; I gave the power of how I was feeling to people who didn't deserve it. I think it's a really good thing when you realize what has happened and how you can fix it... if someone has broken your heart, or just really been a total asshole to you, it's hard to not let it get to ya and wreck your head.
I'm not gonna lie, it has taken awhile...
but letting go of that bullshit has left me with an open space for good stuff to fill up that now willing vacancy.
Feeling hopeful used to scare me. It still feels risky sometimes.
I used to feel that if something marvelous happened, it meant oooh jeeeze, what's gonna happen now?? An UGH moment.
I'm over that style. That style is lame and can suck it.
I intend to embrace a new style of believing. Changing your brainwaves is tricky, but some things scream at you until you realize it! This is the kind of thing you just have to leap in and ride the waves.
I'm paying attention to signs, and some of them are just undeniable.
Samuel Johnson has got it right: the unexpected can deliver the most beautiful joys in your life- it's just being open to them. From here on, that's the style I'm gonna be. It's not expensive, and it feels really gud.