no hearts or flowers. just real talk.

Ok so today I just have to vent.
This one's a little heavy, folks.
A customer at work this morning knew I was a bit off, and yes, we all can't be rays of sunshine all the time. So give me a break. Some days smiling is not something I can fake. I will try but I know I'm lookin all crazy. I hate feeling fake. I suck at hiding my emotions- and as humiliating as that can be sometimes, I'd rather be able to let those feelings out when I can. Sometimes the time comes and it's not right, but what can I do?
I'm struggling with where I am and what I'm still doing- which I believe Einstein said is the definition of insanity... the insanity coming from basically doing the same day job I've done since I was 22- the locations have changed, but it's still the same deal. When I was 22, I loved it. Heck, I even enjoyed it when I was 30. Coffee was always something I could "fall back on"- I felt a lot of pride and I loved being a part of the whole buzz.
I have a big birthday number this year- and still feel some days that I'm struggling to be an "adult". I cannot help but feel incredibly disappointed in myself... I can beat myself up better than anyone could even try, and I am definitely not holding back these days.
I do need to say this: I am so thankful to have a job. I know how things are now and I am grateful to have a regular check coming in. I have never been one to take things lightly, and I will always do my best, even if it's not ideal.
All I want to do is be a Voice Actor.
It's frustrating to me to go have an amazing session, doing what I love more than anything, then having to go do a job that I'm just not proud of myself for. It doesn't feel good at all.
The sacrifices I have made to live my dream have made my life more challenging, mostly financially. The sacrifices my parents made! My Mom still helps me. I hate this, it's embarrassing...I feel terrible. My parents always supported me in my dreams, no matter. I'm so thankful for that. USSR when I was 17? "GO!" Drama School? "Do it!" "You wanna move to NYC? Of course, we knew this was coming!"
I've had some incredible experiences, but I am ready for things to be more solid in my life, to be able to take care of everything with no stress, all on my own. I wish I could be more nonchalant about things, but that's just not me. I am a crazy perfectionist, but I'm learning to not need perfection. Um, hello Nicki, it's impossible! I just want to feel ok and take care of my biz.
On the bright side- because we need that about now- deep, deep down I do believe things will get better. There are a few awesome potential opportunities brewing; I just need a miracle NOW. I will continue to wish on stars, heads-up pennies (i found 14 cents in my left boot the other day), and pretty much any opportunity I get to wish, I'm gonna do it. I believe in possibilities. Just need some movement forward, the sooner the better.
I know so many people are going through this same struggle. Some haven't even tasted what it feels like to do what you really love, and I am supremely blessed there.
Being a creative person-I think that sometimes the darkness can creep in, and it can hold on real tight. Passion is a wonderful thing but it can also wreck your head. It's just really intense to be so vulnerable. I'm thankful for my gifts; I just want to make sure I live up to my potential... and I think that's why I feel so sad now, because I know I'm not.
If you're still here, thank you for indulging me. I'm just feeling pretty shitty today and really stinking ready for things to start clicking this year.