Rent Increase Optimism.

Another new year has begun, and along with it comes a lot of adjustments and deep thoughts about my life... the things that work and the things that need to change.
2013 was pretty amazing in a lot of ways- always ups and downs, but some really cool, unexpected adventures and beautiful moments were savored. As I journey into this new year, I'm hoping for more consistency in my life- especially (and not surprisingly) the things that make me truly happy. Isn't that what we all want?

 I opened my eyes to January 1, 2014 in Santa Cruz, California.

I was cozy and warm beside a hanging fireplace and the sound of the ocean in the distance was a beautiful symphony for my ears. I was with good friends and I felt hopeful. I opened up my journal and began to write about what I want in my life this year, and to work for in the future. Living in the moment is how I have had to live ... being an artist means unpredictable income and a lot of struggle. Stress. I don't know how many times I have said this- but things have to change this year!
I came home from Santa Cruz on January 2. Walked in my door, dropped my bags and saw an envelope on the floor.
From the Landlord.
Oh. Shit.

Yes, my rent has been raised. $22. Not much you say? To me it is huge, and it snapped me out of my optimistic state real fast. After that moment, I was pretty much pessimistic about everything, and all the other things I have to take care of really overwhelmed me. Change has got to come.
These are the times I feel really alone and helpless- because when you work really hard for a lot of years, and still have to do the things you don't want to do so you can live your dream.... it can be terribly soul crushing. 
BUT.
While this has all been infiltrating me and distracting me from simple tasks, like... remembering to eat, I have been reminded of the kindness of others. Now, I am an emotional person. In fact, I am too emotional and I don't really like it about myself, but that's just me and I have to deal with it. Sometimes when people are kind to me, I can't take it-  I am so moved by it.  I am so very thankful for the reminder that the world isn't bad all the time.
I don't like to ask for help.  If I share my circumstances it embarrasses me because I feel like I should be so much further along than I am... I am a grown adult, aren't we supposed to have our shit together?
But I digress.
 Kindness.
The kindness that has recently been blowing my mind is from the people in my life who innately know the way to help me not be so stressed. It could be a the tiniest thing to them, but to me it is huge.
People who listen and truly pay attention are few and far between in this smart phone using, constant information being thrown in your face world. That's the kind of presence I want to be around, and the kind I want to emulate.  I am exceedingly thankful for these people in my life- the ones I know well and the ones who are acquaintances with perceptive minds and wide open hearts.

I just want 2014 to be better.
I long for consistency....
In work- as in more of it. I never know when I'll get another voice job, and that is the precarious situation I have put myself into. 15 years ago this month I got my first job... and I am thankful for every one I get- but I want more. I don't like feeling stressed about something I love so much.
In finances- Paying my bills with ease. Maybe buying myself flowers once in awhile without guilt. Oh, and actually getting paid on time would be pretty amazing...
At home- I love my apartment but I am barely in it. I am constantly house/petsitting to pay my rent- and as thankful as I am to have the work, I am paying all this rent and not enjoying my space. I hope I don't have to take care of other people's stuff as much this year, so I can focus on my own.
In mood- I let people get to me too much and when you work in customer service, that's not a good thing. I'm really bitter with the situation and myself. I can't brush off rudeness like I used to. I just want to be a Voice Actor. 2014 has got to be the year that it is the only thing I do.
 Last, but not least- I want to be with the people I truly want to share my time with.  Quality more than quantity has always been my rule, and when it's always quality, you want more! I live alone and work alone so much, I long for that. We ALL deserve happiness- and I know when I am happiest.
I will be focusing on more of that this year. 
Consistently.

Happy Birthday, Anne

A special girl was born 84 years ago today- and in her short life she made a extraordinary impact on the entire world.

Anne Frank lived in a fateful, scary time- yet she remained optimistic even when she had to hide away from all that was familiar.
I read "The Diary of a Young Girl" when I was about the same age she was -13- when the Frank family went into hiding from the Nazi regime. I remember not being able to put the book down... imagining myself in her situation- but never ever able to grasp the horror that she and her family and friends- all the people who were "different"- were put through in Europe in World War 2. Reading the diary made me yearn to learn more of the time period, and I read as much as I could- I just couldn't understand how so many people fell prey to a Dictator and his racist, inhumane and completely insane plans... what I'm learning is- there's no way to ever understand, but to be educated and not ever forget that such things happened is what I have done, and will continue to do.
 I still try.
Anne's family and friends hid up in the attic of her Father Otto's jam business for 2 years. They had to be quiet all the time, hearing terrifying noises from outside and terrible news to go along with it. The fearsome state they lived in at all times... it was palpable from Anne's descriptions. There were no guarantees for their safety.
 Throughout the ordeal, they were blessed to have wonderful friends to help them, bringing news and small treats once in awhile. They learned to appreciate the small things- because nothing was small, every moment that they were still safe and alive was a gift.
On August 4, 1944 someone reported them.
They were all taken away to camps- every member of the Secret Annex died except for Otto. Anne died in Bergen-Belsen in March 1945- just a month before liberation. If she had known her Father had survived, perhaps she could have fought harder to live- but I can only imagine the defeat she felt, the sickness taking over her frail body- her broken heart; her optimistic spirit now extinct.
A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to go to Amsterdam. As soon as I decided to go, I knew it was time to make my pilgrimage to the Anne Frank House- a place that I have wanted to go since I was 12.
My time in Amsterdam was interesting... I was very caught up in the past- what it must have been like all those years ago. Walking along the beautiful canals- bikes whizzing by, the sparkly water and Chestnut trees everywhere to be seen... imagining Anne in that attic, looking out at the beautiful world that was no longer safe for her because of who she was. Such a serene scene now- yet so many horrible things happened there.
The day I arrived at the Attic was a glorious sunny day- many who live in Amsterdam told me it was rare- and I was thankful for the brightness when my heart was feeling heavy.
Walking into the House, up the many steep narrow stairs, through the storeroom, the factory and offices... and gradually up to that bookcase... there it was: the secret entrance leading to the attic. Once I walked through the bookcase, it became very real. The tears just started coming out of my eyes. Walking in their footsteps... through the tiny rooms they shared- pictures of movie stars that Anne had posted on the walls- right there. At one point I was alone in the room she shared with Mr. Dussel- and the feeling I had in there- I can't put into words. It's really hard for me to describe how it felt to walk around in her space- knowing that I could go back outside and feel the sun on my face... it broke my heart all over again.
During my adventure I read the diary again -her vivacious personality and the words she had so eloquently written were very fresh in my mind. Anne Frank's Diary has made one of the biggest impacts on my life- she woke me up and made me want to learn, even if the things I learned were beyond my nightmares. 

To be able to have this experience is something I am forever thankful for- and I believe it's something that should be felt by many, whether you are interested in history or not.  There is so much pain and heartache in this world- prejudice over things we don't understand... we are so overpowered by fear of what we don't know! Through my travels I know one thing for certain: we really are all people. We all have feelings and we all hurt. Learning about the past can help us not make the same mistakes in the future- shame that some people just don't pay attention.
If you read Anne's diary as a kid, I recommend reading it again- she was such a spark in the world- who knows what she would've accomplished.
Her words live on.

"It's difficult in times like these: ideals, dreams and cherished hopes rise within us, only to be crushed by grim reality. It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart. I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery, and death. I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too, I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that this cruelty too shall end, and that peace & tranquility will return once again."

--Anne Frank

Me and the BBC. WHAT?!??!

It's pretty amazing, and really something I never expected... When I got a call from Mark Savage at the BBC, it just didn't seem real! To be included in a story about video game voice actors is a huge honor... also, being a huge fan of the BBC makes it even better. This is a pretty big moment, and I can't wait to see what comes next!! Read the full article on the BBC here!

time to get serious!

Things have been pretty exciting in my Voice Over life lately, and a lot of it has to do with the release of Telltale's The Walking Dead Game. It has been so amazing to be a part of something so wonderfully gruesome and enthralling- and really getting under people's skin!
I wanted to get a new demo out into the world to show what else I've been up to. When Lilly is around, no one is giggling, but we needn't be so serious around here! To remedy the situation, this demo also features some of my favorite bits from Psychonauts, Tales of Monkey Island, Sam and Max, and Piki and Poko. Gotta get some Simlish in there too! Many thanks to Gudfit Entertainment and AJ Moore for making me look so good!

ohh. life.

I have just survived (barely) another birthday and, I'm not gonna lie- it was a doozy. Actually, I'm still in recovery, and it has nothing to do with crazy all night binges, trying to re-live my 20's. Yes, it was a very big one. The dreaded big one where you start to really question your whole being and really wonder what the F*ck you're doing. I know that I have found my calling, and I am thankful to myself for never giving up- even when I really felt like it was an impossible dream. Some things in my life make me so happy. Other things in my life are breaking my heart. Some things are both of those highs and lows all bundled up in one amazing yet frustrating and perplexing jumble. Ohh Life, you tricky sucker. A few days ago when the clock ticked and made me older- and I sware I felt it at that exact moment- there was a raucous knock at my door. I was mid "therapy session" with a friend - opened the door to find a HUGE balloon and card from my co-workers at the cafe. This was a big surprise and felt like the giant hug I was needing right at that very moment. The card was adorable, and came with puppy ears! I wore those puppy ears all night and made me feel like I wasn't that age- this label that I have earned just by being around a really long time.

It's really really hard sometimes to be an individual in a world that is screaming at you to be like everyone else, do what everyone else does. I have never been conventional in what I do. I know I make things harder for myself, that the choices I have made may not make sense to some- shit- I question myself too... BUT I can't give up on things I believe in with all my heart. It could be work, my many and varied dreams, or a person... I gotta stay true. I may be old. I may still be trying to figure it all out.... but aren't we all? Wear some puppy ears and pee on the floor.(ok, don't do that) how 'bout just wigglin' that tail so much that you fall on your ass? I know I will. You can borrow my ears if you want to :)

New Facebook Page : )

All this self marketing biz seems never ending, but it's the sign of the times! I decided it was time to start a facebook page for my voice acting. I'm gonna post random stuff and just saying what I'm doing these days! I'm hoping to share a lot of good news over there. Thanks for checking it out!

new website up!!

Well. It was about time to make that place rad to hang out in... it was just needing some love and it got some today! My new improved super sparkly website is ready to see the world! Martin Mulrooney from Alternative Magazine Online interviewed me- and that was so cool! That is featured on there now- and soon, OMG, there will be an interview with Mark Savage from the BBC.
Wow.
So hopefully this is the start of much more crazy exciting news to report. I hope you'll check it out!

not gonna do it.

While this may sound like a negative, that "not gonna do it" actually pertains to not giving up. I have worked so hard all my life- I have never given up on my dream to be an actor, and for all the struggle and doubt, the rewards are incredibly gratifying- and ultimately, completely worth it. I have put other things aside to focus on my career and missed out on some things because of not believing in myself.
It's exhausting, and I'm over it.
At this point of my life, I know what I want. I know who I want to share my time with, and who makes me truly happy. I love my work and the people in that world. I have more dreams to fulfill, and I'm so thankful that I have that as a constant in my life. I will remain steadfast, even when my heart feels like it is breaking. Especially then. Some people are worth the struggle, especially when they don't realize how worthy they truly are.

My lovely Irish friends told me, "What is meant to be won't pass you by." I keep those words close, and I know that for me, it is imperative to keep moving forward and seeing the possibilities- not the time limits or boundaries, and that voice in my head trying to tell me it's impossible- that shit is BANNED!- this is what I have to hold on to.
I know what is real.
Life is too short to not go for what I want... but I have to believe, and it is TIME.

Fergus. The Great Horse Frog

Meet Fergus. He is my guardian frog. This is a very suitable name for him as I have just learned that such a grand name means 'Great Horse' in Irish mythology. Fergus is quite equian in his amphibious ways. He has been with me for years, always by my front door, making sure to protect me from unwanted solicitors or bugs. Perhaps you remember Eddie, my guardian monkey. While he was a fierce protector, I've found that Fergus' style of not throwing poop at Jehovah's Witnesses is way better style. Eddie got pretty hardcore in San Francisco... he heard me talk about all the poop everywhere on the street... ended up getting pretty excited, as monkeys do- and ran off a few times. I can see how all that talk of feces and craziness would be stimulating for a monkey. It was rough for awhile... but luckily we worked it out, and he's a lot calmer now. I'm thrilled that Fergus is so unrufIfled and collected - definitely not as threatening as Eddie- but still tough. That tongue and ribbit, though... seriously- watch out! .... so he gets front door priority. Don't worry about Eddie though, he has a spot of his own in my kitchen, right by the bananas.

“The loveliest faces are to be seen by moonlight, when one sees half with the eye and half with the fancy” -Persian Proverb

My sister sent this to me today... I love it.

Thanks Jojo ♥

no hearts or flowers. just real talk.

Ok so today I just have to vent.
This one's a little heavy, folks.
A customer at work this morning knew I was a bit off, and yes, we all can't be rays of sunshine all the time. So give me a break. Some days smiling is not something I can fake. I will try but I know I'm lookin all crazy. I hate feeling fake. I suck at hiding my emotions- and as humiliating as that can be sometimes, I'd rather be able to let those feelings out when I can. Sometimes the time comes and it's not right, but what can I do?
I'm struggling with where I am and what I'm still doing- which I believe Einstein said is the definition of insanity... the insanity coming from basically doing the same day job I've done since I was 22- the locations have changed, but it's still the same deal. When I was 22, I loved it. Heck, I even enjoyed it when I was 30. Coffee was always something I could "fall back on"- I felt a lot of pride and I loved being a part of the whole buzz.
I have a big birthday number this year- and still feel some days that I'm struggling to be an "adult". I cannot help but feel incredibly disappointed in myself... I can beat myself up better than anyone could even try, and I am definitely not holding back these days.
I do need to say this: I am so thankful to have a job. I know how things are now and I am grateful to have a regular check coming in. I have never been one to take things lightly, and I will always do my best, even if it's not ideal.
All I want to do is be a Voice Actor.
It's frustrating to me to go have an amazing session, doing what I love more than anything, then having to go do a job that I'm just not proud of myself for. It doesn't feel good at all.
The sacrifices I have made to live my dream have made my life more challenging, mostly financially. The sacrifices my parents made! My Mom still helps me. I hate this, it's embarrassing...I feel terrible. My parents always supported me in my dreams, no matter. I'm so thankful for that. USSR when I was 17? "GO!" Drama School? "Do it!" "You wanna move to NYC? Of course, we knew this was coming!"
I've had some incredible experiences, but I am ready for things to be more solid in my life, to be able to take care of everything with no stress, all on my own. I wish I could be more nonchalant about things, but that's just not me. I am a crazy perfectionist, but I'm learning to not need perfection. Um, hello Nicki, it's impossible! I just want to feel ok and take care of my biz.
On the bright side- because we need that about now- deep, deep down I do believe things will get better. There are a few awesome potential opportunities brewing; I just need a miracle NOW. I will continue to wish on stars, heads-up pennies (i found 14 cents in my left boot the other day), and pretty much any opportunity I get to wish, I'm gonna do it. I believe in possibilities. Just need some movement forward, the sooner the better.
I know so many people are going through this same struggle. Some haven't even tasted what it feels like to do what you really love, and I am supremely blessed there.
Being a creative person-I think that sometimes the darkness can creep in, and it can hold on real tight. Passion is a wonderful thing but it can also wreck your head. It's just really intense to be so vulnerable. I'm thankful for my gifts; I just want to make sure I live up to my potential... and I think that's why I feel so sad now, because I know I'm not.
If you're still here, thank you for indulging me. I'm just feeling pretty shitty today and really stinking ready for things to start clicking this year.

rainy day rapp up

I always like to muse upon the the old year when the new year rolls around... and here we are, almost a month in ALREADY!
It's a rainy day, and I was feeling a little trapped in my apartment. The Irish in me heard the call of a Guinness from the pub next door, so here I am!
2011 was a pretty big year, lots of movement and change in my life.
The big physical move for me was getting the heck out of San Francisco.... while I can admire "The City" for some things, I knew for my well being it was time to get out.
The move was not far, yet a world away... just across the Bay Bridge to Oakland. I never thought I would ever live here, but almost a year later, I know that for now- it's just right.
Work last year was good, I got to be a part of some really amazing projects I'd been doing for ages, and some new stuff too. This year I'm looking forward to having the best Voice Acting year yet.... I just feel like I'm on the verge and and SO ready to have it happen. I've been working for 13 years now. It is time. Being an actor is what I am, it's all I've ever worked for- and it's a struggle... I remember when I was in Drama School and I said, "I don't care if I get paid, I just wanna act".... well hehe I've learned since then you can love your art and support your art- but that time is gonna come when your art needs to support you too- and while it brings me more joy than I can express- I'm talkin support with some real serious dollars. I'm ready for that to happen. Nothing crazy, just so I can live and not stress about the day to day anymore. It is exhausting and takes my energy away. I want no more of this!!
An amazing gift last year was of friendship and travel. I went to Texas, and it was the best adventure of my life so far. Never knew the beauty of that place, and now I am so thankful that I do. Easy travels with a perfect companion can never be underestimated. It's the best. Can't wait to see more... it's the Australia of America!
I even took a trip to Los Angeles to get some more things happenin' career-wise, and I believe everything will fall into place. I'm just really thankful for the opportunities and support I have for these times in my life. Hard work is even more wonderful when you're doing it knowing it's for something you're really looking forward to.
So here we are in 2012...it's time to get things done. I have to say that in my life now I feel more supported than ever and I'm building up my confidence more and more... we all go through the times when we doubt, but in 2012, I will do a lot less of that. Imagine it, plan it... and live it. Time is short.

New Audio Demo for a New Year!

With a new year, I've gotta get that optimism biz all revved up again. I have some really big Voice Acting goals for 2012 and I'm anxious to start feeling like things are clicking again!
After he did my video demo, I was really excited to hear my audio one too; I am so thankful and I love it! AJ is really intuitive and gets my sense of humor; I love the way he edited my characters and I can't help but smile and feel kinda proud of myself. I'm feeling ready.
In this demo we've a little "Sammun-mak" and a littler "Sam Jr."(he is a baby cockroach after all) from Telltale Game's "Sam and Max"... that little girly Sim from EA's "The Sims 3"...a bit of perkiness from "Piki Matsumoto" in Mondo Mini Show's "Piki and Poko: Adventures In Starland" ... the super rad and sassy "Lili Zannotto" from Doublefine Production's "Psychonauts"... and the Mighty Pirate Hunter herself, "Morgan LeFlay" from Telltale's "Tales of Monkey Island". As new projects arrive, we'll get more out in the universe. Here's to a better year for creativity and lots of work!

New video demo!!!!

Many many thanks to AJ for working so hard to make me look so good! The guy is basically incredible.
It was definitely time to get this going....
We've got Morgan, Lili, Sammun-Mak and Piki... and a lot of crazy kid Simlish. I'm pretty proud of who I've gotten to be ♥

It's time.

So next week is kind of a big deal.
I'm going down to L.A. to see what is out there for me... it is time.
oooooh L.A. Not my favorite place. If I'm honest, I'm a bit intimidated by it all, but it's time to be brave.
I went to college in Pasadena and it made me really appreciate the beauty of my sweet home in Northern California for the first time. We're in the same state, but Southern California is a world away from Northern... I missed the Redwoods, the lovely smell, clear blue skies, stars at night- it was just loads of smog and concrete, and that is not for me. Thing is, I've realized it's time for me to open up again to the possibilities of the South. That's where the work is. I want to work!
AJ is going to be sharing his rad comic, The Super Newts, and my personal favorite- The Adventures of Dorse and Doose (loads of poop jokes hehe) at a brand new comic book/multimedia exhibition at the Los Angeles Convention Center, Comikaze. I'm so excited he asked me to help him out and be in the whole scene. He has worked so hard...he's on the verge, and it's really exciting to be even a little part of it.
I worked over at EA on Wednesday, and I can't say enough how much I love recording there and how amazing it is to have such an insanely fun job. I've been a part of that world since 2003 and I feel incredibly supported, totally believed in- they really helped me out in making connections for this adventure. I am so thankful for this, it blows me away.
I'm a little nervous, a lot excited, super hopeful, and also know that I need to do this if I want to further my career. It is very exciting! I am about to confront the mountain I've always known I had to climb ... feeling a bit anxious... but at the same time I know I've just been afraid of the unknown. Silly, really. I've taken a lot of risks in my life, done some pretty courageous things that I didn't even think twice about... why is this any different?
I'm thankful to have the support to do this, and to also have some rad new experiences that will propel me to other places ... I'm ready to make my goals a reality.
So here's the scoop. Come to Comikaze next weekend, November 5 & 6- visit us at booth #94 and say Hai! Get some comics before Gudfit blows up so you can say you were there before it all got crazy! Support the arts and hang out with us for awhile. Curry Goat will wiggle his happy little tail for you- and trust me, you do not want to miss that!

The possibilities of Walking with the Dead

Almost everyday I go walking in a most amazing place, the Mountain View Cemetery.
It's very calm, beautiful, there are a gazillion trees, and you can lose yourself there. Sometimes I need a place to set my head straight, and this place helps me with that. Nature is amazing. All I hear are birds and the wind in the trees... the best soundtrack, with a perfect view above.
There is a certain part of the cemetery that my friend Shawna and I call "the zombie part"- throughout the grounds it is green and lush, really taken care of; this section is just dirt and has really, really old graves.
A few months ago I got to audition for a pretty big video game. I took a chance on a character that I felt was a long shot, but she got to say "Fuck" super crazy in the script and her bio was so intense and dramatic. This lady is messed up, and I was totally into it.
I had to try.
Amazingly, I got a callback to read again, which was an exciting sign. Problem was, I was suffering from a bout of food poisoning from some nasty oysters.
I was sick all night; had to get the audition in by 10 am.... I felt like a zombie, and that was NOT the character!
I did it, but felt like I blew it.

UGH.

That was July.
I pretty much decided I needed to give up hope... it's just hard when you want something so badly- especially when you never thought it was even possible to begin with.

At the end of August I left town and headed for Texas.
I flew into Dallas before my final super anticipation filled destination of San Antonio.
Check my phone, email about this part?!!?! WHAT??!!??
Another read, a bit more direction, when can I get it in?
My adrenaline level was already quite high at this point; I was so excited for this trip, so excited that my chance had not passed.
It's also funny that it seems like every time I'm leaving town, I get some rad opportunity- and sadly- some are missed.
But check it out: not all the time!

AJ and his brother Tony got me a place to record at the school they both attended, San Antonio College. Tony's teacher, John L. Onderdonk, aka 'Mr. O', was the man who said "Yes". He didn't have to, and I am so grateful.
It was quite a journey to find a quiet and comfortable spot to record in when it was well over 100 degrees! Those guys are amazing to have helped me so much with this, it was above and beyond.
When we got the answer that, indeed, there was a place I could record, it was brilliant. All I needed was a little space, a closet even- I was planning to just record on my phone...
but we were put in a room with mics and PRO TOOLS?!??
Mr. O!!! O M G!!!
Are you kidding me right now?
Can I tell you how much I love Texas?? It was only my second day and I was over the moon!
AJ and Tony were very patient with me, waiting down the hall, while I basically obsessed over the new beats I needed to connect with -and when I was finished, I had an amazing editor (AJ) make me sound even better.
So we got it done.
Now I could relax!
We vacationed, it was still on my mind.
I thought, "maybe I'll hear before I go back home?"
Alas, this was not the case.

Once again I decided that it just didn't work out- I probably thought too much, I was hot and tired... now for sure I blew it!!

A few weeks after I returned home I was taking my morning walk in the cemetery, just walking past the zombies.
I hear on my phone that I got an email, and at first I disregarded it, thinking it was probably something stupid...
I found out that I got the part!!
It was perfect, finding out that I booked an amazing role in a kickass game about zombies as I walked past the zombie part in the cemetery!

I'm so excited to see how it all turns out. This is a very different character for me; I've had my first session and I feel very grown up in a way that I haven't before with my voice acting. I'm so thankful for the opportunity... thankful for the support of wonderful friends and colleagues who were looking out, and wanted me to do well. I'm a lucky girl.

It was definitely worth the effort, all the sweat- and the wait.

It's one of those nights

"You told me it was
because of me
you gazed at the moon.
I've come to see
if this is true."

-Izumi Shikibu

(10th-11th century)

A favorite poem from the past

The More Loving One
by W. H. Auden

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little more time.

incredible moments that lasted for days

Travel is an important part of my life, in fact, it helps me exist on this planet. If I didn't know there was something bigger out there, something more to open my eyes, it would be a tragedy. Life would be pretty dang boring if we didn't have all the amazing cultural differences to keep us on our toes.
When I travel, it's usually on my own. I mix it up with meeting friends and of course making new ones on the way, which all equals to a lot of precious memories- but this time was different, and I was not disappointed.
About a week ago I returned from a place that I really never thought I would go: Texas. I wasn't adverse to it; I just never really had it on my radar. I thought to myself, "Hmmm...Texas is the Australia of America..."- I've longed to go there since i became obsessed with koalas in 3rd grade -alas, heading Down Under is not in my Actor-y budget at this time- so I embraced this opportunity.
The really wonderful part about this journey was that I was going to be living it with someone really special to me- seeing his world through my eyes was something I wanted to experience. You know when you talk to someone on the phone all the time, they tell you stuff about where they live, what things are like, where they hang out... I love it when I can picture and understand where they come from. It makes me feel more connected, and I can better understand the similarities and differences in our lives.
Travel! Such a gift.
I arrived in San Antonio in 108 degree heat. I was escorted to the giant boots. During our 10 days together we saw copious (i love that word) amounts of animals: buffalo, buzzards, baby frogs, a baby salamander that I held in my hand(!!!), Emu, Roadrunners, hella lizards, some rad dogs, a whole lotta Nutrias, many varieties of ducks and geese, loads of fish, a snake, oooh there was a hummingbird super close to my face.... and my FAVORITE, bats. (did i miss anything, AJ?)
I celebrated my birthday on this adventure, and it couldn't have been a more wonderful time of feeling alive and excited for the future... I needed this. I woke up. My birthday was amazing. There was much stargazing, unlimited hilarity in storytelling and just straight up delight in where I was and who I was with. I was in the moment, and it felt so good. We laid on the ground, watched the bats flutter overhead, oooing and ahhing when they got real close, mixing with the stars as the glowing moon watched over us.
This was the Texas I knew was out there, this was what I wanted to experience- to me, it was perfect. Best birthday gift a girl could ask for: limitless stars, ridiculous amounts of laughter, and wonderful companionship. I can be a bit of a loner; I find a lot of contentment in my own company... but sharing this adventure was the best of my life so far- it was so easy,  there were so many magic moments- and also a lot of honesty and heartfelt conversation. Finding a brilliant travel partner and friend is like striking gold. Actually, it's priceless.
I luxuriated in 10 days of bliss, 10 days of getting to know someone and the world he knows.... 10 days where I felt so happy and alive. I wouldn't have traded that time for anything.... and I can't wait til we do it again. There's a lot of Texas to see!
Sometimes you have to take a chance. A chance on an adventure, a chance on a person, a chance on some crazy thing to put in your tummy! People come into our lives at certain times for very special reasons.... I listen close to the Universe, and I pay attention to this stuff. Some things cannot be denied, no matter how inconvenient they seem, or how much your brain tries to mess with you. I was so gung-ho on just traveling abroad, but adventuring in my own country is a huge eye opener as well- and in the end, if you're with someone who brightens your world, does it really matter where you are?

Summer is a lot less Hostel this year

I was thinking today that last Summer, and for the previous 4, I was super busy working at Hostelling International- San Francisco, feeding travelers from all over and just really enjoying chatting people up and learning about the world through their eyes.
When I think about all the friendships I made there- it makes me miss the whole scene a lot. Truth be told, I met people through working there and through my own hostelling adventures who really changed my life, and continue to today.
When you're in the midst of a Summer Season at a hostel- it can really wreck your head- I'm not gonna lie- it is intense. Along with the 92% of awesome, super rad and open-minded people, there's that 8% that can KILL YOU! I am not even kidding. I smelled some stuff YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE and saw some ridiculous behavior that would just shock you by the commitment level of sheer assholeness! Some days I would leave work thinking, "omg reeeally? wtf was THAT all about?"
I spent the majority of my Hostel years at HI-City Center, which, in my opinion, is the best of the 3 San Francisco city hostels (they're all good!)... but let's just say it is located in a most adventurous San Francisco neighborhood, The Tenderloin. You may have heard of it... I used to talk about it a lot! It's a rough neighborhood to be sure. You will see and smell things that may make you want to barf... but now when I look back, my memories within the walls of the hostel are what make me feel like it really wasn't so bad after all. I know a lot of people who feel the same way.
While the memories are flowing, I wanted to share my love and praise for hostelling, and for all the knowledge and joy it brought into my life. In my opinion it is the BEST- and smartest way to travel... you get an affordable, clean, safe place to lay your head at night, a rad free or really cheap breakfast, and the possibility of new friendships that will enrich your life in a million ways. I usually travel by myself, so having a familiar place with that special energy is brilliant. It is a place of magic if you let it be! What else do you need really?